Me: read me my Miranda rights
Cop: you have a right to be the smart one. You have a right to finally realize Steve is the one for you. If you do not have a Steve, one may be provided for you
Me: now read me my Samantha rights
Cop [sighs]: you have a right to be the sexy one…
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“Since you both claim to be this infant’s mother, we’ll cut the baby in half.”
OK.
Sounds reasonable.
“Y…uh, alright then. Let’s do this.”
Got thrown out of the grocery store for holding a rotisserie chicken up like Simba again
accidentally called dragon ball Z pokemon and 8 talked to me for 5 hours on why I’m so wrong. Help.
I lost 6 hours of sleep last night, lying in bed wondering if Muppets get haircuts.
Me: how much for the horse kabobs
Ride operator: it’s a carousel
Her: I’m so wet
Him: I’m so hard
Eavesdropping alien: These people are bad at describing themselves.
The only thing worse than a mandatory office get together, is a virtual mandatory office get together
I met a pet turtle at the park and I asked the guy if he brings it there to play on the swings and slides, and he responds: “No ma’am, turtles don’t use swings and slides”, and I can’t believe he called me ma’am
I’m sorry baby, but me & you are not going to work out.
We are going to watch tv.
Wtf, tried giving my political opinions at the checkout line today and nobody clapped.
Preschool Registration form: What’s one word you would use to describe your child?
*writes in all caps: RELENTLESS.
Apparently walking backwards reduces cellulite and bonus I bet muggers would avoid you.
✌️
Me: Can I order the conch fritters please?
Waitress: The “ch” is pronounced like a “k”
Me: Okay Bick.
That awkward sexual tension when everyone leaves the kitchen and you’re left all alone with a chocolate cake.
[After kidnapping]
ME: Don’t worry I have a particular set of skills
..ME [making mice tuxedos] admittedly I don’t know how this will help
Having lunch at eleven in the morning because I don’t want anything to interfere with my afternoon nap.
There is no way to differentiate between the screams you hear from mass murder, passengers on a plane going down and 5 Tweens seeing a bug
just found out the guy who is lying about the trans flag being the “MAP flag” was charged in court as a pedophile
How many times do you have to click “I accept cookies” before they send you the cookies?
Ever since CATS come out things have been way off
COP:Do u know how fast u were going
ME: The posted speed limit, 495
COP: Sir that’s the route number, i don’t even know how I caught up to u
Father O’Malley answers the phone. ‘Hello, is this Father O’Malley?’
‘It is!’
‘This is the IRS. Can you help us?’
‘I can!’
‘Do you know a Ted Houlihan?’
‘I do!’
‘Is he a member of your congregation?’
‘He is!’
‘Did he donate $10,000 to the church?’
‘He will.’
My parents sold their house like a month ago but my mother JUST realized she did not uninstall the special fire alarms she had put in that are a recording of her own voice screaming at me and my sister to “GET OUT OF THE HOUSE BECAUSE MOM’S CANDLES CAUGHT THE HOUSE ON FIRE”
If your spouse’s loud chewing bothers you, imagine how much it tortures the poor begging dog.
I saw the best minds of my generation rattling in pickle jars in formaldehyde as the cops beat down the door into my basement.
Me: I have NO drafts!
Wife: *opens window*
Me: …
Wife: *opens door*
Me: …
Wife: That better?
Me: I should have married your sister.
I was out with my young daughter and ran into a friend I’d not seen in years.
“This is Beth.” I said, introducing my kid.
“And what’s Beth short for?” he asked.
“Because she’s only three,” I replied.
[Me at job interview]
And, how seriously does your company take allegations of witchcraft?