My favorite part about Black Friday is the part where I go to the mall, find a great parking spot & sit in my car with the reverse lights on
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*my boss angrily taps his watch because I come into the meeting late
*i angrily tap my watch back because this meeting is too early
I knew I’d pissed off Mother Nature when she sent a hurricane to wash my car and then left it on my roof.
My husband and I like to do sweet things for one another. He might switch out my agave for antifreeze. I might cut his brake lines.
Grab a plate and throw it on the floor. Did it break? Yes? Ok, now tell it you’re sorry. Good, now, did it unbreak? No? Now you understand.
Maybe money can’t buy Happy but it can probably buy Dopey at a good price.
We’ll just have to agree to disagree is my favorite way of saying “you’re an idiot but I’m tired”
I’m one salad away from identifying as a rabbit
Been watching Dateline for years and still haven’t met anyone.
running chickens are hilarious in a velociraptor kind of way
QUESTIONS YOU CAN ANSWER BY PEEING ON THINGS:
1. Am I pregnant?
2. Does my boss have a very forgiving nature?
Me: Can you recommend books to me?
Librarian: Sure, they’re great
Horses are a great pet for anyone who’s ever wished their bicycle could make bad choices
What if the alien abductions are all the same guy? The other grays hold a press conference and say “Oh, that’s just Kyle. He’s a jerk.”
Headline: World helium shortage over due to discovery of helium field.
Scientist: (high voice) This new supply of helium is a game-changer
Its wrong that priests have to live a life of forced celibacy . They should get married and let celibacy come upon them the usual way.
I’m not Madagascar, I’m just disappointedgascar
In sibling math no matter which half they’re given, it’s always smaller.
[date]
Me: you wanna see what desserts they have?
Wife: how about we go home & I’ll let you-
Me [calls waiter]: what desserts do u have?
if u die of a potassium induced stroke cuz you ate too much fruit, bitch that’s called a bananeurysm
me: hm what could I add to this bath to relax and forget everything?
my brain: a hairdryer.
parrots can literally talk, why is everyone so ok with it
*checks pockets for phone 53 times before jumping in pool*
*skinny dips to be on the safe side*
my wife’s divorce lawyer: why don’t we just get them to arm wrestle?
me whispering to my lawyer: do something
I just learned to use Instagram, so you guys can all rest assured that it is officially no longer cool.
Tonight we discovered 9 memorized my phone code and 6 memorized my husband’s code.
They’re working together, we’re in trouble.
I work at Home Depot.
White guy: There is a man selling tamales out of the trunk of his car in the parking lot and disturbing costumers
Me: Thank you for that information
Me to tamale guy: Are you the guy selling tamales?
Tamale guy: yes
Me: I’ll take three
There’s no cool way to get your braces unstuck from the carpet.
My wife just keeps adding throw pillows to our bed that have to go on in a particular order and I feel like I’m playing some kind of high stakes Tetris where if I’m wrong I lose the house
Every chair is a reclining chair when you’re drunk.
Doing my civic duty by ensuring that my students know the difference between “lose” and “loose.”