My son shut off location sharing on his phone and now I have to call my mom and apologize for causing her crippling anxiety every night from 1984 to 1987.
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What is a ‘sexual prime’ and can I get it on Amazon?
I’m planning to adopt a dog soon, it wasn’t my first choice but my doctor told me I can’t have any biologically.
If self driving cars are the thing of the future could you imagine how that’s going to change the repossession game? Imagine missing a payment and your Subaru just starts backing itself down the driveway.
My hobby is removing unnecessary apostrophes from business signs in the dead of night
Magician: I’d like a volunteer to be cut in half
Me: I’ll do it
Magician: You’ll never love anyone as much as you did Emily
Me: *crying* He’s good
Wife: What
I’m used to my kid bursting into the bathroom with random objects but I had to draw the line today at bringing in binoculars and her cousin.
How much room do fungi need to grow?
As mushroom as possible.
[me as a tree in allergy season] HELLO I WOULD LIKE TO HAVE SEX WITH YOUR NOSE
They: ‘ Where are you from?’
Me: ‘I’m from 80s.’
My husband’s beige flag is he’s always ranting about the “feels like” temperature on the weather app. “If we always say 30 degrees FEELS LIKE a different temperature than 30 degrees, how can we ever know what real 30 degrees feels like??????”
“love means never having to say you’re sorry”
“that is not what love means”
“sorry”
[walking into a store on september 1st]
employee: MERRY CHRISTMAS!
ZZ TOP: SHE’S GOT LEGS
ME: *imagining a woman with legs* nice
ZZ TOP: SHE KNOWS HOW TO USE THEM
ME: *imagining a woman walking* NICE
North Korea claiming they test fired a big rock at Russia.
My life coach traded me.
sorry I didn’t answer when you called, I had 6 Peeps in my mouth
Laughing at your mistakes could lengthen your life. Laughing at your spouse’s mistakes WILL shorten it…
Girl you are his 9th twitter girlfriend in 2 years, he’s not your soulmate.
Went to the hospital to wish a pregnant lady giving birth a Happy Labor Day and she ripped my throat out 🙁
I’ve learned two important things in life, I can’t remember the first one, but the second one is to write everything down……
Keep thinking about asking out a woman that works at my gym but if we end up back at my place she’ll see that I’ve been stealing towels.
I wish I had the same faith in myself as people who leave me voicemails do
16yo daughter; “I love listening to the oldies!”
*plays The Smiths
Me: Uncontrollable weeping
any boring old meeting can become a seance if everyone works together
ME: Behold! I’ve invented the ultimate truth serum!
WIFE: I never loved you
ME: Wait, no, you’re supposed to drink it first
Go to a suburban neighborhood, find the meanest mom with the biggest glass of white wine, and bring her to negotiate your new car purchase.
Jogging
Honestly, I’m a woman with a dog and an air fryer, so my topic of conversation is pretty limited
HER: do you have a retirement plan?
ME: [grew up on action movies] i’ll simply pull ONE LAST JOB
Today I broke up a fight my kids had over whose popsicle was colder. Don’t tell me being a mom isn’t cool.