@iCumBl00d: My favorite part of church is when they pass around free money.
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@Brianhopecomedy: *wife stares at me* *I stare at her* *she frowns* *I smile* "You didn't notice my new-" "NICE HAIRCUT AND GLASSES." "Dress."
@onelongbender: My internet boyfriend doesn't know about my real life boyfriend, which makes two of them.
@eliyudin: "As a side dish to your burrito would you like all the things that are inside the burrito, again?" - Mexican restaurants