@iCumBl00d: My favorite part of church is when they pass around free money.
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@MatCro: [Starbucks Assassins Inc] CHIEF: Write this down. Target's name is John BARISTA: [writes] Jamie C: Ok. Memorise it B: [eyes shut] Janet
@aka_fatman: Me: Hi, officer. I saw you coming up the driveway. Cop: (sadly) Your son has been in an accident. Me: I FLUSHED ALL MY DRUGS FOR THAT?!
@MourningGlory_: Saw some girl pull up to her mailbox, open her door & then fall entirely out of her car while reaching for the mail. JK It was me.
@daemonic3: [reads chocoholic on tinder bio] Mmm I love chocolate, too [reads workaholic] I work a lot as well [reads catholic] I also am a cat addict