My clothes don’t fit anymore.
There’s only one possibly explanation.
America is shrinking my clothes.
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Never understood why people need bathrobes? Just take off your clothes and have a bath, then put on some clothes after the bath. Why the need for an intermediate garment? This is a moneymaking scam being propagated by Big Robe.
what idiot called it a chicken instead of an eggplant
After a stressful day of holiday shopping, I like to soak away my cares in a relaxing bath.
Mall Security: Ma’am, get out of the fountain.
Teenage Jesus: Hey dad, why you wearing that crucifix?
God: It’s an idea I have for a public holiday.
TJ: Huh?
G: It’s complicated.
Had my arms full of groceries, struggled to get my front door unlocked, & the door caught the back of my shoe & pulled it right off. I stumbled & dropped my groceries. Shoe stayed stuck outside my door. Worst remake of Cinderella ever.
in lieu of flowers call my wife and pretend to be me from beyond the grave. my d.o.b. is 5/24 and my mom’s name is kathy.
Thank god my brother’s getting his PhD, I was running out of ways to disappoint my parents.
The moon is moving away from the earth at about 5 inches a year so it’s like the longest break up ever
me: *easily carrying 20 grocery bags* hi 😉
her: are those empty
“Look, I’m just saying that maybe adding a little vodka might be good for business.”
-me, to these kids running this lemonade stand
My favorite bra broke and now I feel like there’s no one left to support me.
I just wish I had someone who wanted to touch me as much as my shower curtain does.
The awkward moment when you say, “I love you,” then the pizza delivery guy says, “That’ll be $12.46, please.”
There was a fire at the Yankee Candle store. 8 killed. 19 injured. 1200 soothed.
Look lady, you’ve already taken my money so put that Oompa Loompa costume on and let’s do this.
Never ghost your hitman.
A world without racism exists in traffic. The anger, cursing and honking is truly based on the ability to drive, not the content of the car.
Make librarians cry by calling it a “Book Museum” while taking pictures with your iPad.
Damn even I didn’t expect him to lift up the pizza lol
As I basted the turkey, I swear I heard it say “just not in my hair”
Plowing through the mosh pit like hi *boop*…hi *boop*…hi *boop*
Before I die I want to see a dog run out of a butchers shop with a string of sausages hanging out of its mouth.
Tinder but it matches people that don’t know what they want for dinner with people who will decide what they get for dinner.
Is this the real life?
Is this just
How’s it going?
“I’m so glad you asked, really need to talk to someone right now”
You’re supposed to say ‘fine’ & ask how I am. Bye.
You definitely shouldn’t go to Costco and buy the giant box of frozen mozzarella sticks so you and your family can eat them whenever you want. We are not ready for that as a species.
*twirls fork through hair*
So, is it is really murder if you stab them when they stand between you and your cake?
Don’t date a man expecting to change him. At the end of the day he’ll still be a man, and you’ll have wasted your black candles and a goat.
Our system is shit. I’m 24 and only have two years left on my moms health insurance. Then, I have to find a new mother
Alright, I know you’re all wary of funding another Jurassic Park when all the others have ended in disaster, but I have 3 words that will blow your mind: Chance the Velocirapper