Do I speak Spanish?
Oui!
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Just installed the iOS 9 update and I’ve already noticed a significant increase in my phone’s battery life! This is aweso
No, you tell me what YOU were doing during that gap in my resume.
Diet app pops up “What did you have for dinner?”
*looking at glass of wine*
*turns off phone*
INTERVIEWER: What would you say is your greatest weakness?
ME: Well, for starters, I’m unemployed.
In a parallel universe calories are trying to burn people.
If I was a girl named Isis, I’d be pissed that half the people decided to change my name to Isil.
*rolls grocery cart into open house*
Ooh what a lovely lamp!
*puts it in cart*An iPad!
*crosses iPad off shopping list*
*puts it in cart*
If I could go back and do it all over again I’d be born into money
I had a dream about you. You were stupid there, too.
Wife: People are coming over tomorrow
Me: We should clean today
Wife: And keep the house clean for 24 hours?
Me: We should clean tomorrow
[ Anything I buy from now until Christmas, I consider it a gift… ]
Kids! Close your eyes and hold out your hands!
“Toilet paper?!”
People are like, “You’re not allowed to have a favorite child.” Blah, blah, blah.
And I’m like, “BUT YOU SHOULD SEE THIS KID SHOVEL SNOW!”
[On date]
Her – “so your profile said you like classical music? I love Mozart & Bach, how about you?”
Me – “Jurassic Park theme”
Sure, getting murdered is horrible, but have you ever been stuck in and endless group text?
Nothing prepares you for the love you have for your children, or for your own ability to say I don’t know a million times a day without snapping their adorable little necks.
I just got kicked out of flat earth Facebook group because I asked if the 6 foot social distancing had pushed anyone over the edge yet .
Me: happy valentines day
Neil Degrasse Tyson: *slaps heart-shaped box out of my hands* an actual heart is shaped nothing like that
bad
worse
worst
worchester
Between Man of Steel, This Is The End, and Pacific Rim, I’ve seen around 5 billion people die this summer. A personal best.
Heard a rival dad is planning to hand out king size candy bars for Halloween so now every trick or treater that comes to my house is getting a full rack of ribs.
My wife was livid when I told her I used all of our savings to buy stock in Bose.
I told her to relax, it’s a sound investment.
I don’t trust people with glasses, they could be superman
“Hey! Guess what just popped in my head?!?” — My dying words if I had an aneurysm
Sorry I missed your wedding, but Netflix just autoplays the next episode now.
Lost my chapstick today, but a few hours later I found one on the floor of a men’s room at an interstate rest-area. Looks like my luck is finally turning around.
Watching two people at work argue about who put the empty milk back in the fridge when it was me.
I’ll take all that stuff you’re giving up for lent.
I’m 45 yrs old. I have never turned on a flashlight without making the lightsaber noise
me: AAAAAA SPIDER, KILL IT KILL IT
wife: [destroys spider’s confidence and self worth until it throws itself into traffic]
[HS reunion]
FRIEND: Heard from Billy Adent? He vanished after grade school. Do you know if he moved?
ME: [flashback to not unfreezing him during freeze tag because he said I smelled like milk] HE BETTER NOT HAVE!