my favorite part of nascar is when I vomit all over my shirt and car after the race., desecrating the logos of the brands that enslave me
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I can’t make it tonight. There’s a couple fighting at Target and the guy just started sarcastically clapping. I need to see where this goes.
Me: are you or are you not my people?
My sister: I am, but I’m still not driving 3 hours to get you a bagel.
I thought it would be funny to show my young coworker a picture of myself from 20yrs ago and say, “Nightshift is hard. This is me before I started working here 4 years ago.” She looked horrified, which was funny, but I still decided not to tell that joke anymore.
COP: Can you describe the man who shot you?
ME: He seemed mad
I want my 13 year old to understand how important honesty is but also know that she is 12 when kids eat free.
“WATERMELON” HAS 4 SYLLABLES. “ILLUMINATI” HAS 5 SYLLABLES. THAT’S PRETTY CLOSE. WATERMELON IS ILLUMINATI.
ME: I’m as strong as a box!
HER: Surely you mean “ox”?
ME: [easily collapses after getting wet from tears]
Did it again.
Ticked the wrong box in an online survey and I’m now officially in the Sugababes
Doc: Maam, due to the accident your daughter cant…
Mom: Cant what?!
D: She cant even. She literally cannot even.
M: *single tear falls*
Imagine being a frog and someone kisses you and you turn into a prince so then you have to marry that person even though you straight up know she kisses frogs.
[Screams into a dark wishing well]
“I want my coins back!”
Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car…..
me: [trying to pronounce gnocchi] “gnocc gnocc-”
waiter: “who’s there? haha”
me: “this isn’t a joke son”
My 3yo instructed me to be the monster at the park but just as I was about to grab her she shouted “hey monster, it’s lunch time!” so I’m super impressed with her survival skills
Fun way to make someone question everything: comment “you are so brave” on all their selfies.
Serious question… Would Titanic have been more romantic if they had both died, but holding hands and floating, like otters?
Mice are just frozen Mwater.
My boss says I intimidate the other employees, so I just stared at him until he apologized
My husband says I’m selfish, so yesterday when it snowed I let him have the shovel all to himself
I start training at mime school on Monday.
So if you don’t hear from me…
Make sure to thank Jeff Goldblum and Will Smith for saving the world from aliens today.
Quick shout-out to @funTweeters. The “aggregators” and “parodies” could learn a thing or two from this account. It’s aggregation done right.
*Husband buys me flowers*
Me: Aw sweet, but don’t waste money on things that are going to die.
Him: But you keep buying the cat food.
Drink like a fish and you’ll never feel like a fish out of water socially. You might look like one but you’ll never feel like one…
In honor of the winter solstice I will also be cold, distant & filled with darkness.
Okay hear me out.
I cooked up bacon in my cast iron, then made sausage patties in the bacon grease, and THEN made gravy out of the bacon AND sausage grease.
I’d marry me
After the “incident” at the family cabin, my Indian name is Bounces Off Deck.
Turns out “pick the biggest one & punch him in the face” gets you more respect as a new prisoner than as a new 1st grade substitute teacher.
Life Hack: Get a dog and a cat and name them Resident and Occupant. Now that junkmail isn’t annoying, it’s adorable.
If you can’t beat them, try again when they’re sleeping.