I’m not really thought of as an outdoorsy guy but the truth is I have been outdoors many times and really liked it
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Oh you’re single? Awesome, we should probably let your wife know.
The only thing I miss about eating meat is the enticing stickers on the packages. I want an avocado labeled “choice cut” or some prime tofu.
Autocorrect changed “you flatter me” to “you flatten me” and shit just got really weird.
“Where’s the pizza?”
“What pizza?”
“Sicilian, extra cheese.”
“Haven’t seen it.”
“The app says it was delivered.”
“Look, I don’t know what to tell you.”
Instead of the little blue bird Twitter should have used a rooster for it’s emblem.
What could represent this place better than a creature that starts screaming every time a new day begins?
Chores give kids a sense of responsibility while teaching relevant life skills such as procrastination.
Me: You haven’t fought with your sister in two whole days.
10yo: I know. We should send her to camp more often.
Him: I got 99 problems but you ain’t one.
Her: Just wait.
“You need some sunlight on that pasty skin of yours”–says my mom as she cures me of social anxiety and crippling depression
*Speed dating*
Me: “Do you say bless you when your dog sneezes?”
Him: “No.”
Me: “Next.”
Black Friday deals but at the pharmacy
If they don’t want me to ash on the floor,maybe they should put some ashtrays in this gym
What idiot called it grand larceny and not klepto currency
I marched in a high school band, caught an armed robber, and sold girl scout cookies. All I was trying to do was find my car.
I drink Rockstar cause I’m a rockstar. My wife drinks Monster.
The police sent me a photo radar ticket so I sent them a photo of a hundred dollars, so I guess we’re even.
Him: Im just going to grab a quick beer with Tod after the gym, it shouldn’t take long.
Brain: that seems reasonable, you are not even gonna be home.
Hormones: tell him you hope he lives happily forever after with Tod.
Always keep a dog eared book on your nightstand so that people think you know how to read.
My boss calls me chief, so I really don’t know who’s in charge anymore. I hope it’s not me because I haven’t been paying attention.
Naked and afraid, but it’s just me getting out of the shower, the door bell ringing and I can’t find a towel.
me: [throws jacket over a puddle like a gentleman]
my date: why my jacket
Therapist: Why did you bring a lawyer to a therapy session?
My lawyer: You don’t have to answer that
[sees ghost in my room]
Ghost: don’t be scared
Me: I’m not
Ghost [points to wet patch]: you’re a little scared
Me [nervously]: oh no a ghost
—How do you care for your mental health?
Me with my best frens:
The Lord alone–not science–will determine how many chickens can fit inside my motorcycle sidecar.
The more I get to know people, the more I realize why Noah only let animals on the boat.
There was a fire at the Yankee Candle store. 8 killed. 19 injured. 1200 soothed.
Tell them how you feel about them and if they don’t feel the same way, pretend you’re drunk and thought they were someone else.
Come back tomorrow for more advice on romance. Not from me though, I don’t have time for that shit.
[Restaurant]
Date: I like guys who plan ahead
Me: Excuse me, waiter! *Leans in* Make sure my widow here is well looked after
MOM: Would you like some spaghetti before your big rap battle, sweetie?
EMINEM: That sounds wonderful, thanks Mom