@DirtMcTurd: My favorite part of the date is when I tell her that I want her to have my kids. And then I give them to her, all 3 of them.
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@abbycohenwl: *releases helium-filled heart balloon* Me: You're free now Balloon: Ima choke a bird
@zachv86: i saw this homeless guy talking to himself and i was like, "who is he talking to?" then i thought "who am I talking to?"
@MelissaJoy33: Pro Tip: If you are under the age of 35, don't get married. If you are over 35, don't get married. If you are 35, don't get married.