My favorite part of the date is when I tell her that I want her to have my kids. And then I give them to her, all 3 of them.
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time for some seasonal decor
[on quiz show]
“and if you won some money today keith, what would you do with it?”
*leans way too close into the microphone*
spend it alex
I am the proud father of two content providers. I mean children. Two children.
If you hold your ear up to the seashell at my house, you can hear my wife yelling at me for peeing in the ocean.
I dont need glasses, they’re just making road signs smaller now
Passenger: That’s a billboard, and the road is over there
BUZZFEED: Is Internet Clickbait Dumbing Down Society?
Lick your fingers & stick them in a power socket to learn the shocking answer.
[When your mom calls you by your full name]
Mom: Scoobert Doobert!
Scooby: Ruh roh
Crazy how I started out my life wanting to be Bart Simpson and ended up Millhouse’s dad
I find a hole in one of my socks and think “alright, let’s put it back in the drawer and see if it heals.”
Granola Bars, for when you’re hungry & also want to teach your mouth a lesson
On my way to work I saw a turtle crossing at a TURTLE CROSSING SIGN omg so responsible.
My top 5 exercises:
-jumping to conclusions
-flying off the handle
-carrying things too far
-dodging responsibilities
-pushing my luck
I only went to medical school to figure out where your arms are supposed to go when you sleep and they didn’t even teach us that… so now what
The second cup of coffee does for me what a can of spinach does for Popeye.
I told my toddler grapes were choking hazards so now when she wants grapes she asks for “choking hazards” instead
Stranger man at the beach asked me, “Y’all got a boat?” I said we have three, but they’re old Fisher-Price models.
It took him a moment.
FRIEND WHO JUST RECEIVED MAGICAL POWERS: idk what I should do first
FRIEND WHO IS TRAPPED IN AN OIL PAINTING FOR SOME REASON: I have an idea
Hey. I just… haven’t felt the same since I left you. I wish we could spend all day and night together, but that’s not healthy. For either of us. I don’t know where I’m going with this but I just wanted you to know I’m thinking about you. I miss you.
– texts to my bed
A candy wrapper fell out of my pocket and my kid picked it up and waving it around like a trophy, began an interrogation about where it was from, when I had eaten it, and what it was doing in my pocket. Isn’t it obvious that I stuffed it in there to avoid exactly this situation?!
Me: I’ll never get married again!
Husband:
Hi if you have three kids you will either do dishes twice a day or you will buy 3,439 forks.
Is this waiter flirting with me because they just handed me a piece of paper that says ME N U
“Would you rather be right or—“
YES
“So what kind of comedy will you be doing for us?”
“The usual, self defecating.”
“Ha, I think you mean deprecating.”
“Think all you like.”
my propensity for dark humor brings all the boys to the graveyard
Lockdown upside: I have learned how to operate the 17 remote controls for the tv.
I always carry a red Sharpie on me in case I have to draw blood.
‘My Dad was asking me how was the Duo Lingo concert?’
funny thing about zombie movies — they never seem to go after the cameraman 🤷♀️