@DirtMcTurd: My favorite part of the date is when I tell her that I want her to have my kids. And then I give them to her, all 3 of them.
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@DurtMcHurtt: [making out] ME: *grabs a blindfold from the nightstand* GIRLFRIEND: omg really? ME: *blindfolding the dog at the end of the bed* really.
@Darlainky: I'm not saying that I haven't incorporated math into my adult life. I'm just saying I could've dropped out after elementary school.
@JessicaValenti: Whenever I feel discouraged, I remember the words of my then-3 yr old after she puked carrots on the floor: “I’m gonna need more carrots.”
@QwertyJones3: [Me as an Italian language translator] Police: Ask him where the money is hidden. Me: Spaghetti tortellini Benghazi Fibonacci cappuccino.