My favorite romance novels begin with “Preheat oven to 350 degrees”
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me: hello darkness my old friend
darkness: friend is a strong word
Most people like a little something to remember you by.
Skidmarks going out of the driveway isn’t one of those things.
Hey boy, are you a software update because not now
You’d think people would be more understanding it’s my first day as a tattoo artist.
My children can go an entire day at home without a glass of water but only 30 seconds in the car before dehydration sets in.
We all make silly mistakes like when I asked the lady with massive lip injections if she was allergic to bees.
The secret to having all of your dreams come true is to keep changing your dreams to something that’s just about to happen anyway.
me: I’d like to buy that lady at the end of the bar a drink
judge: no
When I was in court I heard a Magistrate singing some Ed Sheeran, so I hired him for my Wedding.
But at the ceremony he did his own material and was terrible.
Which goes to show, you should never Book a Judge by his Covers.
Can we all agree that “K” is not short for “OK,” it’s short for STFU?
Blackberry users thought of making a joke abt the Apple-Samsung battle, but before they cud tweet thr phone hanged n battery drained out
-How much for the inflatable cat?
-Sir that’s bagpipes.
me: come back to my place?
her: sure
me: it’s not haunted
her: what
me: no ghosts
Making snow angels but it’s just me rolling around in pizza cheese.
I attempted smoky eye makeup for a holiday party tonight, but instead it looks like I survived a bar fight, so I’m going with that story.
I hate when I drop my pen on the floor and it’s slightly out of reach so I leave it there forever.
My kid just told me that the 10/10 I got on an attractiveness scale is “just a totally random number and doesn’t actually mean anything”, if you’re in the market for an assassin.
I told my therapist that I’m a whore. He disagreed and said I’m a people pleaser, so I blew him just to make sure we’re on the same page.
Egyptologist 1: *carefully brushing away dust from the cartouche on sandstone*
Egyptologist 2: What’s it say?
Egyptologist 1: *Studying hieroglyphics* It says, “Your third most used gif is how you really feel about Ramesses III”.
[knock at door]
ME: yes?
COP: is there a party going on?
ME: well, it’s my dog’s birthday-
[police dog jumps out with a present in his mouth]
COP: SURPRISE
When folding laundry, I don’t like to match my socks. I put them in there willy nilly and let them find their own mate. This isn’t the 1800s
If you don’t think kids will use any excuse to fight, mine are currently arguing over whose fever is higher
How do German people not choke to death when they talk
I love wearing a mask, I love the anninom….annominon…anonmin…
that people can’t tell who I am
Scott Baio: i’m Scott Baio and i endorse Donald Trump
Trump: who the hell is Scott Baio
Scott Baio: you know, Chachi
Trump: say Chachi then
“Hi, I’m Rob Thomas for the Organ Donor Association. Give me your heart, make it real or else forget about it.”
Sometimes I accidentally hit “z” instead of “.” and end up sending texts like “see you laterz” like I’m a cool teen from 2003.
Why do porn sites have a share to Google+ option? I don’t want my friends knowing I use Google+
me: so what, you’re gonna be angry at me for the rest of your life
wife: no, the rest of yours
Hold the door for your girlfriend. Listen to the door. Tell the door everything will be okay. Leave your girlfriend for the door.