My favorite sex position? Boy there’s so many to choose from. Ha Ha. *starts sweating* I’d have to pick, um, reverse…shortstop? I gotta go
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Kids: [inside playing on their phones]
Me: OMG it’s beautiful today, go outside.
[3 minutes later]
Kids: [outside playing on their phones]
Some patients are going to die, & you have to learn to accept that. It’s just part of being an extremely bad chiropractor.
God I hate these crossword puzzles
Does anyone know a 3 letter word for “Father”?
Friend: Ugh, this is going to cost an arm & a leg.
Me: *pats backpack* I’ve got you covered. The hospitals just throw these things out.
*3am
Me: *thinking* That bird sounds pretty damn happy for the middle of the night.
Bird: *chirping* Dear God why can’t I sleep?!!!
“Hey, Mr Tambourine Man, play a song for me.”
*shakes tambourine*
“Got any others?”
*shakes tambourine*
“Sounds a lot like the last one”
“how to handle stress like a dog: if you can’t eat it or play with it,
Pee on it and walk away.”
Protip: Never end a work email with “Let me know if you want to discuss” without immediately leaving the building.
The quickest way to double your money is to hold it in front of a mirror.
13: mum, I fell in P.E and hurt my leg… and Chloe saw me face plant.
Me: aw, baby, don’t be embarrassed… it happens.
13: I know, mum… I got up, looked her dead in the eye, and said “look at that, Chloe, I scraped my knee falling for you!”
Do I fail parenting now?
Don’t ask me if I have a safety pin if you’re going to look at me all weird when I pull one out of my pocket and hand it to you.
Hey, boy. Are you a Swiss army knife?
Because you’re a smaller, less effective version of everything I need.
Countries whose names are lies:
• Chile – pretty warm
• Ivory Coast – it’s sand
• Greenland – nope
• Turkey – not a flightless bird
• United Kingdom
Duct tape will only support 35 lbs when trying to climb walls like Spiderman. (I’m sober now)
I want to be the kind of person who eats half a grapefruit for breakfast and runs every morning but I also want to be happy
Went for a run last night and saw one of my neighbors already has his Christmas lights up
All I could think was, why the hell am I running rn?!
[1st date]
Her: I have a confession. [Sigh] Sometimes, I see dead people.
Me: [An idiot zombie, taking off my disguise] What a RELIEF.
“Act your age!” I yell at my 11 year-old daughter as I put on my Captain America t-shirt.
therapist: so what’s troubling you?
me: my parents taught me to be so polite that now i have trouble taking up any emotional real estate
therapist: and how does that make you feel?
me: fine
*turns up to a yoga class in full Master Yoda costume*
“Oh dear. Misread the flyer, I have.”
Lowe’s banned me for yelling “From the windows! To the walls! To the sweat drop down my balls!”, as I explained how much carpet I needed.
Not a big conspiracy theory guy but I’m convinced that Nature Valley Crunchy Granola Bars are made by Dyson.
[Picking up girls]
Me: you like bad boys, huh?
Girls: yea
Me to my wing man: tell them
Wing man: he’s just literally the worst
I stopped my pig from eating a penny.
I don’t know why.
I was so close to having a real live piggy bank.
I got excited when my son joined the cross-country team. But then I learned they don’t cross the country and are back home in a few hours.
One of the benefits of eating healthier is that you never have to ask questions like, “Who ate my kale?”
It’s a serious Lego project when the 1st thing my 5yo does is take off his shirt and gets me a beer from the fridge.
[First Date]
HER: Do you consider yourself a feminist?
ME: Oh I’m not feminist at all!
HER:
ME: In fact, some of my best friends are women.
No shit your baby is crying. You just announced her weight to a group of strangers.
Me: Accept your flaws. You’ll feel better. It worked for me.
Her: You accepted your flaws?
Me: No. I accepted your flaws.