My favorite superheros are.. Baskin and Robbin!
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Trying to find the $59 airfare advertised by Southwest is the adult version of Where’s Waldo.
Priest: Do you read to your kids from the Good Book?
Me: Every night
Priest: What’s their favorite part?
Me: When Frodo destroys the ring
Camping?
No thank you.If I wanted to sleep outside I wouldn’t pay my mortgage.
Me: I hope you pee your pants, teach you not to hold it in!
My daughter: You shouldn’t wish for that..you’re the one that does the laundry!
exec: any ideas for new kids shows
writer: a mouse tries to murder a cat with a toaster
exec: nice. what else?
writer: a coyote tries to murder a roadrunner with dynamite
exec: love it. any more?
writer: a dude with a speech impediment tries to murder a rabbit with a shotgun
My dog went to his room but left a decoy and I legit thought he was still sitting next to me for like two hours
Calling it Quarantine:
-boring
-sad
-lonely afCalling it house arrest:
-sounds like you do crimes
-you’re a bad boy now
-cool as heck
[The Second Coming]
Jesus: “People of the Earth! I have returned with news of God’s love an-“
Voice from the crowd: “DO THE WINE TRICK”
North Korean leader Kim Jong-un got married. Proving there’s someone for every un.
Stop hoisting all your food into the trees. Now the bears have to settle for the second most delicious thing at your campsite.
Apparently trying to bribe a zookeeper to set up an animal Thunderdome situation will get you kicked out of the zoo.
When you get angry at someone count out loud to ten.
When you get to eight, throw a punch. Nobody expects that shit.
Praying for someone else’s sins is the ultimate “I’d like to speak to the manager”
“Look on the bright side – at least there’s more for us to drink with him gone” is, apparently, not something one should say at a wake.
I hate how Pinterest highlights that some moms make pancakes that look like animals when I can’t even make pancakes that look like pancakes.
“On this one particular day every year we put on different clothes and pretend we are someone else then we go to strangers’ houses and ask for stuff”
Aliens: WHAT
me: *filling my plate with a heaping pile of mashed potatoes*
brain: THIS IS PORTION CONTROL PUT THE SERVING SPOON DOWN WE REPEAT PUT TH
me: *goes radio silent*
Therapist: Where do you see this going?
Me: Drinking and talking to the bartender instead of you.
Normal things that become creepy when you look both ways before doing them:
Pick up a kid
Unlock a door
Load a rolled rug into your trunk
Going to a DaBaby concert because I need some alone time, and I know no one else will be there.
This nice guy next to me on the flight just offered to switch seats so I could sit next to my family.
“Oh they paid extra to have someone sit in between us so they don’t have to be near me.”
I’m pretty sure he didn’t realize it was a joke, and the flight is really tense now.
[Courtroom]
Lawyer: It wasn’t the fall that hurt you?
“No sir, it was…THE GROUND!”
*courtroom erupts*
*handcuffs are thrown on the ground*
Co-worker: My husband & I are praying for a baby. Me: You know that’s not how you get 1, right? You gotta have sex. What does HR want now?
Wife: Did you hear the water park went out of business?
Me: Oh no!
Wife: What?
Me: Bankruptsea!
the best advice i ever received was from george costanza when he said that if you look annoyed people think you’re busy
WIFE: no no no I loved your vows I just thought you could’ve used the word ‘bloodthirsty’ a little less
All I want for Valentine’s day is a good night out with my boyfriend
My husband says I’ve got to go out with him! Rude
THE INVENTOR OF HAND SANITIZER: who’s the paranoid one now huh, WHO’S THE PARANOID ONE NOW
Spotted the tiniest of cows perched on a fence post today.