My favorite thing about babies is that none of them are mine.
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townsfolk: you should come to the festival
me: is this a normal “corny” festival or a “human sacrifice to ensure good harvest” festival?
townsfolk: which will entice you to be there?
me: oh i’m going regardless
I attend online school everyday.
My kid joins in whenever he feels like it.
Sneaking up behind people and marrying them
A man tried to get a refund on a Tom and Jerry boxset because the storylines were “repetitive”
Today I saw a house that has a little replica of itself on the outside for some reason but THE LITTLE REPLICA ALSO HAS A LITTLE REPLICA WHAT IS THIS
Pick a number, now add 7,
divide by 4, write it down.
Now get an apple, name it,
show it a picture of your cat.Now go to bed,you’re drunk.
Never be afraid to acknowledge your accomplishments
[Sporting goods store]
Me: *buying skis* No need for a bag my good man. I’ll be wearing them out
All of these jokes are gonna be a lot less funny when I die of laundry.
My biggest fears are:
-running out of chocolate
-running out of coffee
-running out of toilet paper
-running
Told my Mom I wanted to put googley eyes on random things in the grocery store and she told me to wear latex gloves so my fingerprints won’t end up at the scene of a crime so yes I am afraid of her.
My daughter woke up at 6:06 today instead of her usual 6:00 because we let her stay up 5 hours past her bedtime last night.
Magician: I’d like a volunteer to be cut in half
Me: I’ll do it
Magician: You’ll never love anyone as much as you did Emily
Me: *crying* He’s good
Wife: What
Hypnotist: you are getting very sleepy.
Me, a parent: I’m already there, pal.
Now that Fox News is 18 can we send it to Iraq?
[looking for our lost son in the mall]
ME: we should split up and find him
WIFE: *serves me with divorce papers*
Kids love retelling stories about times they threw up
kids play hide and seek like
And that, Romeo, is why we usually try to take a pulse first.
DOCTOR: To cure your blue skin condition, you must immerse your entire head in this vat of chemicals
GUY ABOUT TO BECOME SKELETOR: Sounds crazy but okay
Walmart was so crowded today that they had 2 cashiers working.
DATING IN THE 1800s
1) Get telegram from Mae
2) Wait to respond. Don’t be desperate
3) Get telegram that Mae died of dysentery while waiting
Be kind. Everyone is going through something. Heartache. Financial stress. Their bananas ripened too quickly. Having the song from the Jardiance commercial stuck in their head because it’s aired 5 million times a day.
We all have our battles to fight.
Something our American friends may not know about us Canadians: all 38 million of us know each other
JUDGE: So to be clear, you’re pleading not guilty to stealing the child’s shoes?
ME: [heelies up to the mic] That’s correct
I think the lady at the movies is “shushing” me, but I can’t tell because I’m eating Doritos.
Honest ads – ‘Hot singles in your area want to be just friends’. ‘Hot singles in your area think of you more like a brother’.
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I tell her there’re no throw pillows in heaven.
We got the Christmas tree yesterday, and now my wife knows that I was the chief architect working on the leaning tower of Pisa
Gummy vitamins for dads called Dadgummit.