My favorite thing about decorative towels is how you’re not allowed to use them.
Because nothing says CLASS like useless towels.
You Might Also Like
Whipped cream is just shaving cream that does whatever it’s girlfriend tells it to do.
It may look like I’m a sloppy eater but really I’m just teaching my dog about trickle-down economics…
interviewer: for your most recent job you put down “i cleaned out my car some”
me: that’s right
interviewer: and for a reference you put down “my friend jarret”
me: he was there
Friend: Hey, if you have a gambling problem, there’s a number you should call
Me: I bet it starts with an 8
We got a tornado warning, and I’m too scared to open my windows. Don’t want any sharks in my house.
i wear a mask when i sleep, because who knows who’s going to come into an Arby’s bathroom this close to the highway
If my wife calls me passive-aggressive one more time I swear to God I’m going to run the dishwasher half-empty again
My son, in the restaurant: “Mom! If you don’t stop dancing to Despacito I’m literally going to drink and drive, and I don’t have a license yet.”
Is it a good sign when your therapist keeps saying Ka-Ching?
Me: I think I’m just scared of change.
Therapist: *flips a quarter*
Me: *screams*
(to the tune of We Will Rock You)
I feed my dog dog food
I have Buzzfeed blocked for 20 reasons: number 18 will shock you
Just signed husband up on eharmony.
Now we wait.
It’s fine when farmers use souls of old plants 2 strengthen crops, but when I do it w/ ppl “I’m a witch” & “dear god she’s getting stronger”
I, for one, understand ingrown hairs. I too have seen the world and would like to go back to where I came from
Me: Gimme that bread, daddy
Priest: It’s Father
Me: You shouldn’t do math in pen. Get a pencil.
10yo: I can’t find one.
Me: *finds a pencil* Here.
10yo: I can’t find the pencil sharpener.
Me: *finds a sharpener*
10yo: I can’t find an eraser.
Me: Fine, use the pen.
10yo: I can’t find the pen.
every cop drama will have a notice that says “any resemblance to actual events or individuals is purely coincidental” and then the serial killer will be named something like ned lundy
“men are scared of powerful women,” I whisper to myself as my 14th tinder date of the month leaves me alone at the bowling alley with my hand stuck in the ball return machine
Kids are so cute how they use every single glass you own and then make you search for them around the house like an Easter egg hunt from hell.
When attempting to make a good first impression imagine how important good grammar is. Wrong. Importanter.
What if “my anaconda don’t want none unless you got buns, hun” was just Sir Mix-a-Lot saying that his pet snake is a picky eater and prefers bunnies.
babe, listen, I need you to bring me $15000 cash and my passport. I out-pizza’d the hut and they are after me
All I’m saying is, the minute Canada starts refining its maple syrup reserves into weapons-grade Aunt Jemimium, we’re all French toast.
Interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
Me: ugh yeah the spacing wouldn’t format properly
Interviewer: OMG I hate that
Hi kids I’m Keanu Reeves here to tell you that speed is never cool unless you’re a professional SWAT member on a bus that’s about to blow up
I’m aging like a fine banana
I got catfished by someone claiming to be Mark Twain.
If I saw 99 red balloons go by I’d probably just round it up to a hundred when I was telling people about it.
Still boggled by the people I know who are going out to bars saying “we can defeat this if we’re not afraid” and I’m like “this isn’t Pennywise it’s a PANDEMIC”