Read about a 60 yr old woman wanting to swim from Florida to Cuba & felt inspired & wanted to help so I emailed her a picture of a boat
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Just told my son to “wipe that smile off your face” and I swear I heard my dad laughing from 3,000 miles away
Priest: “We are gathered here today to mourn the passing of-
*looks at the casket suspiciously*
Erwin Schrödinger.”
shot through the heart
and you’re to blame
tetanus shots should go in the shoulder
this is grounds for a malpractice suit
All of my loved ones know, that if I ever use the phrase
”He seemed nice, but he was a Capricorn” in a call, they need to get the cops involved, ’cause I’ve been kidnapped.
I bought a whole set of Ninja cookware and now I can’t find them.
can we normalize arguing with little kids they’re so rude 😭
My kid just peed himself and then had a tantrum because he couldn’t see his ear.
But congrats on your pregnancy!
I can’t really explain it, but the second half of the alphabet is more exciting than the first.
Did I just trip in public? Yes. Do I even care that a bunch of people saw me? Also yes.
Guinea pigs aren’t real pets. You buy them when your kids are begging for a dog, but you want to make them sad instead.
Jim: I’m totally spacing out on a word.
Me: OK
J: What’s that awful thing called…
M: …
J: You wake up with it after you drink?
M: Linda.
A Lunch Poem:
Some people buy theirs in local food shops,
While others eat donuts (especially cops).Some jerks heat fish that they bring in a bag,
And stink up the kitchen, making me gag.Me? I’ll check the fridge on a hunch
That Glenn from Accounting brought a good lunch.
me: i know things haven’t been going well, but I think if we have a kid together, we can turn this around
boss: you’re still fired
Might start wearing turtlenecks so that when I want someone to stop talking to me, I can just unroll the neck up over my face
I really hope that people are staring at me because they think I’m pretty and not because I slipped on ice and into a parked car.
parents, please remember to teach your children not to talk to strangers, you know how boring your children are
Most dead bodies are found by dog walkers or joggers.
Working theory: Dog walkers and joggers are serial killers.
40-26-36.
My measurements?
Naw.
Just the three Chinese meal entrees I’m ordering.
me: make me the coolest guy
genie: ok all guys are now hotter than u
me: son of a
Don’t take me camping because if I see a bear, I will hug that bear.
inventor of rice krispies: but what if our food tried to get away
How do u make a Pirate angry?
Take the P out of him.
The spaghetti scene in Lady and the Tramp is adorable, but it would never work with humans. Nobody wants to see two dogs sharing a plate of humans.
Sorry boys, but you will never get into these pants. I barely get into these pants. These are very tight pants.
i’m just a girl, standing in front of a fan, talking into it so i sound like a robot.
I’m not saying murder is the answer, but every time an ex dies, so do some of your darkest secrets.
Jenga, but it’s just me, pulling salad out of my sandwich.
If you want to know what cereal you don’t have ask one of the kids what they want for breakfast.
me: *dies*
death: welcome to the afterlife
me: how do I get to heaven?
death: *points* go up those stairs
me: what about hell?
death: *points* go down those stairs
me: and limbo?
death: *points* just duck under that bar
*Blows dandelion in the wind*
*stares at stem*[whispers] “Now you’re just somebody that I used to blow”