My favorite thing about single people is how they champion being single till they like someone then they transform into a hypocritcalpotamus
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[Duck support group]
“After i lost Barbara I was doing bread 5, maybe 6 times a day”
*the other ducks nod sympathetically*
For the past 3 years I’ve been playing this hilarious game where I steal pajamas from women I sleep with. So far I’ve acquired a total of 0 pajamas.
Dads, don’t tell your daughters they are “pretty”. Tell them they’re strong. Tell them they’re smart. Tell them they can’t be prosecuted for theft until they’re 10.
Han: Leave us alone, you fat slug!
Jabba: *speaks Huttese*
C-3PO: The mighty Jabbs says your words are hurtful. He has a thyroid problem.
I finally shaved that big toe this morning. Watch out world because I’m comin’ for you now.
Proofreading services too expensive? Try proof skimming! For only $10, I’ll flip through your book and say “yeah, whatever, it’s probably fine.”
Nobody ever says “OMG I saw your twin!” and shows you a picture of somebody attractive. It’s always like “OMG I saw your twin!” and then it’s a picture of a half-eaten sandwich in the garbage
Hiring manager: what would you say are your greatest weaknesses?
Me: probably men with hairy knuckles. Oh, and a moist pot roast.
Timeouts just give children a quiet place to plot your murder.
If my husband doesn’t start helping with the housework soon, we’ll need a crime scene cleaning crew.
I have a migraine and my stomach hurts. A fast food burger and fries should help.
Stop putting words in my mouth. That’s were I keep my feet.
why just edible underwear? why not an entire edible wardrobe? i wanna eat a parka off my wife before sex
The minute the pilot asked me for “a lil’ help?” spinning one of the plane’s front propellers, I knew I was a little too thrifty planning the family vacation.
Accidentally told the dog she’s my favorite in front of my kids again
I’m sorry this birthday cake suffered a severe accident where my hand fell into it and a chunk of it filled my mouth.
if you fall at the winery that’s a sauvignon bonk
me: my cat’s stuck in a tree!
fire department: sorry sir, but right now we’re only responding to fires
me: ok gimme a sec
[wedding]
The devil has been collecting souls for 200,000 years and still hasn’t found his soulmate, but *raises glass* I’m glad you found yours. Congrats Tina and John.
[blind date]
Date: tell me about yourself in 6 words or less.
Me: I’m a creep, I’m a weirdo.
Date: [laughing] nice Radiohead reference!
Me: [laughing louder] what Radiohead reference?
Mum was fed up of the squirrels stealing all the bird food so she greased the feeder!
If you’ve been a bad parent this year, Santa is putting recorders in your kids’ stockings.
COP: “How’d the pizza go missing?”
HIM: “It was the cat.”
COP: “There was no cat.”
HIM: “Someone broke in.”
COP: “The doors were locked.”
HIM: “It wasn’t me.”
COP: “There’s cheese on your nose.”
HIM: “I want a lawyer.”
My son thinks declaring “yuck” to every meal I prepare can break me, but he doesn’t realize academic life has hardened me from rejection. So, joke’s on him.
“It’s not about who’s right or wrong.”
~ The person that is wrong
“There are 2 seats. Which one do you want?”
“Right one for me.”
“And you?”
“Am I left with any choice?”
I was going to watch the news this morning but I decided I wanted to have a good day.
Sometimes I like to purchase every item on a person’s Amazon wish list for myself and then let them know I’m living their best life
“She is not fine.”
~Sun Tzu
Hey girl, Did you fall from heaven? Because it looks like you landed on your face.