My favorite thing to do at a rock and roll concert is to yell “kiss, kiss, kiss” every time the guitarists stand close together and face each other to riff
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I’m not saying I’m a mythical creature, I’m just saying that I am single on Twitter & also in real life.
I have to admit, I never thought our son would go that far.
Me neither. This trebuchet is marvellous. Let’s get the cat.
#CatDay #RubbishJokes
#MondayMorning
i love reading medieval census documents because what’s carl doing in there
Just as a wedding ring tells others you’re married,
the mysterious brown stain on my shirt and rogue booger in my hair says “I’m a mom”.
Urgent care waiting room is an oxymoron
Just finished my taxes and it looks like I’ll be able to afford that vacation to the Outback…steakhouse that is.
Cashier: Have a great day
[goes to cashier’s home in the evening}
Me: I have bad news
I pronounce it liberry but I also call them bo-oks so people have a choice on which one makes them angrier
If someone ever asks you to show up naked underneath a trench coat at their hotel…make sure you get the room number right.
[last supper]
“Tonight, one of you will betray me for 20 pieces of silver.”
“30.”
“Sorry Judas?”
[sips wine]
“I didn’t say anything.”
There’s a knock at the door. I open it, but there’s no one there. Unsettled, I slow down a little and pull into the middle lane.
*first year living alone*
Me: *runs out of bedroom on Christmas Day to find no presents* what
I wear jogging pants underneath my running pants in case I need to slow down.
Netflix needs an “unwatch” button so you can watch the newest episode without getting caught
People that call their kids Randy, is that short for Randolph or Randrew?
Any man that dates me better have my beer ready when I get home like my cats do
DR DOG: *gives kid patient a sucker*
MOM: what do u say
KID: thanks mr dog
DD: kid I didnt go to med school for 56 years to be called Mr Dog
Good morning to everyone except the people who prefer the taste of margarine over butter.
cost of the ice cream my kid threw a tantrum in the grocery store to get: $5
the look on his face when I ate it for dinner: priceless
Me: You’re NEVER supportive of my goals and accomplishments.
Police: Because you keep killing people
starting an onlyfans but it’s just videos of me trying to use chopsticks
Happy MOM THIS HUGE ASSIGNMENT IS DUE TOMORROW AND I’VE JUST STARTED IT to all those who celebrate.
The best part of a Dolly Parton presidency would be the Dolly Pardons.
Was at the park with the baby, and another parent pointed to a kid doing cartwheels and said, “Remember when we could do that at that age?”
Lady, I was icing my knees after recess when I was 7.
date: I come from a broken home
bob the builder: *bites lip* how broken
My mother’s gravy is so lumpy it’s having a biopsy.
– So tell me about your date.
– It was ok. He’s a Detective Inspector, currently working undercover in a butcher’s.
– Sounds a bit dull.
– Yeah but there’s more to him than meats DI.
8 is addicted to the iPad and he asked where it was at tonight and I said it’s in my car in the garage. He said ok and then I said hopefully the dead woman that lives in the garage won’t get him. Now we’re about to find out how much he wants it.
This outfit is called Running Into Someone I Know Would Be The Ultimate Worst Thing That Could Happen