My favorite thing to do at a rock and roll concert is to yell “kiss, kiss, kiss” every time the guitarists stand close together and face each other to riff
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Boss: We’re having a meeting at noon for future managers
Me: Will there be lunch?
Boss: No
Me: I don’t want to be a manager that bad
omg leave her alone
Me: so this is a weird photo shoot lmao
The cop who’s processing me: would you just shut up already
Whenever I ask indie filmmakers how they got funding for their movie they always describe a mysterious millionaire they never met who appeared out of nowhere needing to get rid of money for tax purposes. If you know this millionaire please connect me asap….
I didn’t realize that was an option
*hires a group of teenage girls to giggle every time you walk by*
Dear Religion,
Pics or it didn’t happen.
Love, Science
Me: Know any potato jokes?
My husband: What has eyes but cannot see?
My six year old: What has eyes but cannot see? A blind person. That’s so obvious.
Him: Can I have a bite of your dessert?
Me: I think we should see other people.
Spent 5 minutes enjoying the smoothest shave of my life before realizing I forgot to take the plastic cover off the razor.
I’m not actively avoiding you. I don’t actively do anything.
I have a PhD
Pretty
Huge
Drinkingproblem
Maybe if we didn’t spend SO much time throwing gang signs we could’ve started this baking class on time
Got into loads of trouble at work for making “racist noises”. I just accepted the slap on the wrist because it was easier explaining that I was pretending to be the dad from Pingu.
I love when the parent in a movie says goodnight and the kid actually goes to bed for the rest of the night. I laugh, I cry, I roll my eyes
The early bird gets the worm but the early worm gets eaten, so… I choose sleep.
Kidney stones? Hard pass
Guy in front of me at McDonald’s: I’ll take two of everything
Me: IS THERE A FLOOD
I DON’T KNOW ABOUT?
Excuse me miss, you’re a cat – a man who doesn’t know how to cat call
[grocery store]
me: *reaches for the last big pot pie*
little old lady: *reaches for the last big pot pie*
[kill bill sirens]
Accidentally got in the 10 items or less line with 11 items again, so I made two separate transactions so I wouldn’t piss anyone off.
GENE SIMMONS: What is it about me that makes people think I’m gross?
“Hygiene”
SIMMONS: Hi. Now answer my question.
I highly recommend anything.
– Stoners.
girl: wanna have car sex?
me looking out the window at my car nervously: um… do I… do I put it in the muffler
Funny you should ask, I do have extra body bags.
I had to delete Facebook because I liked too many pictures of dogs yesterday and now the newsfeed algorithm thinks I care about those people
Murder is like art, as long as you can bullshit your way into justifying it, someone out there will be like “oh yeah, I totally get it.”
“Schrödinger’s Second” is the time immediately after a child collides with an object where they are both hurt and not hurt until observed
This is the smartest joke I’ve ever written
My goal weight is to stop hearing ‘you have a great personality’
Me: Bless me father for I have sinned…
Priest texting me back: I already told you, I’m not absolving u of your sins unless you come in.