Dollar Tree pregnancy tests.
For when you only want to be 35% sure.
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Go suck an egg. Lick a mango. Breathe on an avocado. Make everyone at the grocery store uncomfortable.
librarian: that’s $34.92 in late fees
me: *whispers* waldo’s really hard to find
Parenting is much harder nowadays. For example, you have to be able to push a kid on a swing and tweet at the same time.
{Goldfish Funeral}
GOLDFISH 1: We’ll never forget him
GOLDFISH2: Forget who?
G1: What are you talking abo-OH MY GOD WHAT HAPPENED TO TEDDY?!
Me: why can’t I lose weight?
Also me: only leaves the house for events involving cake
So baby Jesus grows up to be Santa or…
I love that sexy thing you do, what’s it called again? Oh yeah, me.
Me in a huff: you just said disrobe down to my socks. You didn’t say anything about staying in the exam room
kinda sucks that there’s only one day a year it’s acceptable to put on a diaper and shoot arrows at people
People who make blanket statements are completely horrible & have no redeeming qualities.
*pulls motorist over*
COP: Are you high?
MAN: If I were high would you look like a breathing tree?
*one leaf silently falls from cop*
Wife: Where did all this glitter come from?
Me: Jake, at State Farm.
ME: Off to the concert with my friends
WIFE: Say hi to everyone for me[later]
ME [individually saying hi to 10,000 ppl] This is exhausting
Every time I play guitar at home, my wife goes looking for a cat we don’t have.
Was feeling really good about myself after an attractive man smiled at me on the elevator at work and told me I smelled great. Until I got to my desk and realized. Gentle reader, I had a sausage McMuff in my laptop bag.
Baby will you be my friend with benefits cause I have an upcoming procedure and don’t have health insurance.
This Halloween, I’m going as the one thing more unsettling than a serial killer: someone interested in serial killers
Now that we’re divorcing,
I’m definitely not finishing that scarf I’ve been knitting you for nine years
Judge: The jury finds the defendant guilty.
Me: Nooooooooo.
Judge: Again, you’re the plaintiff.
Me: Haha. Oh yeah.
Me: [bursts into wife’s meeting] BABE, IT HAPPENED!
Wife: Dave, I’m at wo-
Me: I paid for 6 [empties chicken nuggets on table] I got 7
The lady behind me in line was in a hurry to get out of the grocery store so I decided to write a check to pay for my stuff.
I am cool with January lasting forever because rent is due February 1
I’ll always be here for you, unless we run out of beer over here and someone has some over there, then I’ll be over there for you.
When I die I want to be cremated and blown in the faces of my enemies
I was going to have a proper career by 30. I’m 47.
Doctor: are u high?
Me: no, why?
D: bc ur dressed like Batman
M: well maybe Batman dresses like me
D:…
M: alright yea im a lil high
[restaurant]
DATE: [clears throat]
ME: I’m sorry. [handing her placemat and crayons] Did you want to color too?
Boss: What’s your five-year goal?
Me: Paid administrative leave.
Satan was all alone with Eve, NAKED, at the forbidden tree and all he did was to convince her to eat a fruit? GAY.
*sees money in my bank account*
oh crap i must have forgotten a bill