My favorite way to mop the bathroom floor is to give the kids a bath.
The walls, too.
Yup, and ceiling.
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Confession: I have dipped cheese into softer cheese.
Relationship status: Page 7 of @funTweeters
Yesterday I called a store to see if they were open and, as soon as they picked up, I knew they were, but had to follow through with what was by then a really stupid question.
This chapter of my life is called.
“Pushing a pull door”
Anyone else notice Independence Day is July 4th? Maybe we can work it into our 4th of July celebrations.
I’m a comedian the way a potato is a battery
Just found Elf on the Shelf in the bottom of my lingerie drawer. This explains so many things
Welcome to Condescending Club. Even an idiot would know the 1st rule. If not, you want paaaatronizing club. You know what that is, riiiight?
No thanks, heavy metal concert. If I want lots of screaming without understanding the words I’ll just hang out with my toddler.
Look, I’m just saying it might be financially viable to use rice cakes instead of spray foam insulation
Imagine me naked.
Wrong. Fatter.
I wish that I had the confidence of my 12 year old who is staring me down as he eats the last ice cream cone that I had hidden in the freezer.
ive taken a couple of survival classes and let me tell yall youre gonna cut urself trying to build something and die of an infection before the “raiders” come for your “water purification tablets”
A spider built a web across a rarely used toilet in my basement so occasionally I’ll flush it for him so maybe he thinks he over a series of picturesque mountain rapids
If you get pulled over, you should be able to read the police officer the tweet you were writing, and if it’s a banger he’s gotta let you off.
(my first day as a transformer)
optimus prime: Transformers, roll out!
Me:*transforms into hotdog cart* CAN I GET A PUSH HERE
Nobody does “I’m walking back inside the house but as slowly as possible to indicate I’m not happy about it” like a dog.
SOLDIER: Yankee Oscar Uniform Romeo Foxtrot Lima Yankee India Sierra Delta Oscar Whiskey November
CAPTAIN: Lima Oscar Lima!
There are zero recorded incidents
of mountain lions attacking
someone running
to the fridge for a snack.
Music with headphones while vacuuming is not a good idea.
I just finished the whole house and the vaccum wasn’t even plugged in.
Two reasons why I don’t let my girlfriend go into my swimming pool…
1. I don’t have a swimming pool.
2. I don’t have a girlfriend.
Taco Bell, Exit 22
Hear me out. A special line at the airport for people who understand the concept “empty your pockets”
[text]
me: miss you, love you, wish you were herepizza delivery driver: sir, we said 30 min or less
Nobody:
Your Mom: You remember my friend Carol? Well her daughter’s coworker is having a baby.
oh my god
When singers at concerts hold out the mic for the audience to sing, it’s like what am i, your maid
When my wife says “You know, I’ve been thinking” there’s a 100% chance we’re ending up in a store.
[date]
Her: so you’re a mathematician?
Me: no actually I’m a *pythagorean doves fly out of my sleeve and hit her in the face* mathemagician
me: hey it smells like upmanyoudontneedcouplescounselling in here
therapist: what’s upmanyoudontneedcouplescounselling?
me: haha right on, cya guys
wife: wha-
therapist: omfg he’s so smooth why would you ever wanna leave him?