My favorite word in the English language is “Amen” because when I hear it I know you’re finally done asking Me for stupid shit.
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They call cat people crazy but we’re not the ones outside at 5AM every morning putting fresh dog poop into tiny baggies.
Balloons are all fun and games til they start to deflate and float around at eye level being terrifying
When I’m having a bad day nothing sets me off quite like trying to pull one wipe out of the container and 47 more coming with it
3 day weekend: *exists*
Americans:
I think I found a perfect place for Spongebob.
plums roundup
“a quiet place” sequel cALLED “A LOUD PLACE” WHERE EVERYONE HAS TO KEEP SHOUTING AND MAKING ALL SORTS OF RUCKUS TO AVOID CREATURES THAT HUNT SILENCE
ME: it’s time for bed
*3 ducks excitedly appear at my window*
ME: bed guys, B E D
*3 ducks dejectedly disappear from my window*
3-year-old: There’s a spider on the carpet!
Me: Haha, that’s just a piece of fuzz.
*fuzz moves*
Me: EVERYBODY OUT OF THE HOUSE!
It’s funny how a girl can remember a slightly inappropriate comment you made 10 years ago but not the directions to her friends house
I accidentally caught my nuts in a barbed wire fence and now I’m the frontman of a Maroon 5 cover band.
Came home to find the couch had moved a few inches, and neither the dog nor the cat will look me in the eye now.
*puts PLEASE SPEAK AS LOUDLY AS POSSIBLE WHEN ORDERING sign on drive-thru*
*watches people scream into the box*
That’ll teach them to get my order wrong.
Apparently cat did not get memo on time change. He’s been using my face as a trampoline, trying to wake me up for the last hour. 😐
My dog Daisy, whom I love very much, just ate a check from a foundation for $50k. Most awkward email I’ve had to send in a long time.
“I saw a flock of cows today”
“Flock of cows?”
“Yes a flock of cows”
“Herd of cows?”
“Of course I’ve heard of cows, I saw a flock of them!”
Cashier: Next
Me: Why are these fingerless gloves full price?
Cashier: Oh shit it’s you again
SON: I’m moving out as soon as I turn 18 and you can’t stop me.
ME: [pumping fist] If you insist.
Give me one reason why I shouldn’t pass this math class
“You held up 2 fingers just now”
Ok then give me that many reasons
When fireworks were invented, it was ‘hisssss’ to ‘wheeeee’ in the making.
How DARE you go the speed limit in a situation like this…
~Me, to anyone with the audacity to be in front of me when I’m running late.
[first date]
me: are you a reader?
date: omg i love reading
me: [handing her my menu] thank god
Me: they’re coming!
911: can you hide?
Me: they’ll find me!!
911: stay calm
Me: the door is opening…help!
“Mooom! We want a snack!!”
I think I stand a pretty good chance this year. I hear the Simpson kid is down two more toes.
Just left a note on the ex’s car saying “I STILL LOVE YOU” hope it doesn’t go unnoticed. I keyed it in pretty deep.
Woo hoo, July 4th wknd! Popped opened a beer, unbottoned my pants, put my feet up. My boss keeps looking at me weird, though.
I told my family we’re gonna axe some of our 5 streaming services, and my teens looked at me like I was some kind of murderer.
God I hate condescending assholes!
(Condescending is like when smart people talk down to you to try and make you feel stupid)
I want more people to join bluesky before I accidentally follow too many journalists
Jesus: the bread is my body
Judas: *cutting carbs* I see