“Still too cold… Still too cold…”
“Screw it, I can’t be late again.”
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“Go on, fake throw the ball again, Phil. I dare you.”
If I choke to death on food it better not be anything healthy.
[new hire intro]
BOSS: this is Jim. You’ve been here how long Jim?
JIM: next year will be 10 years
ME: *rising from my cubicle* so 9 years
*crying and eating cookie dough ice cream*
HUSBAND: Did you have a bad day?
ME: No. Why?
ME: Not all heroes eat crepes.
HIM: It’s “Not all heroes wear capes.”
ME: Oh, so do all heroes eat crepes?
HIM:
ME: Then shut up.
Best “black friday” deals come when your neighbors leave their windows unlocked.
leonardo dicaprio would have won 8 oscars by now if he was named after one of the cooler turtles
i feel like so much miscommunication could be avoided if we all just stopped talking
[buys new refrigerator with water dispenser]
day 1: I will never tire of this water dispenser
day 15: still luvin’ this water dispenserday 4563: wahey! water dispenser
me: four out of five dentists recommend Colgate so I’ll have that
waiter: uhhh you want fries with that
Cheaper than online shopping and less horrible than online dating.
Twitter.
Imagine falling in love with someone and then finding out they say “worthwild”
My daughter used to be afraid of the monster in her closet but like I told her, it’s the ones under your bed that you really need to worry about
An old lady on the bus just tried to set me up with her daughter. Here’s everything she knows about me:
1) I don’t have a car
“MEN, WE ARE AT WAR WITH THE GREEKS & MUST NOT DROP OUR GUARD AT ALL”
“Sir, the enemy gave us a giant wooden horse”
“Oh rad bring it in”
THERAPIST: Ever had a job?
ME: I once worked at a zoo
T: Great! & what did you take from that?
ME: Definitely not a penguin
T: What
M: What
ME *traps wasp under a cup*
MAGICIAN GHOST WHO HAUNTS ME: *appears & sets down 2 more cups*
ME: no
MAGICIAN GHOST: *starts to shuffle them*
They say to avoid things that excite you when it’s time to sleep, but what’s more exciting than getting to sleep?
I work from home and tend towards introvert
Him: (assessing the surroundings) when did you last leave the house?
Me: Saturday!
Him (familiar with my bullshit): WHICH Saturday?
[while laying in the tub for 35 minutes] what about a cologne that smells like cereal?
[adding more hot water to the tub] but what cereal?
Coworker: It’ll either work or it won’t.
Me: Yes. Those would be the two possible outcomes.
This fake stomach ache feels like I’ll be leaving work early today to go to a bar to watch the Steelers game.
All. The. Damn. Time.
[INFOMERCIAL]
“Order now and receive 50% off The Clapper. CLAP ON.. CLAP OFF.. THE CLAPPER”
Tyrannosaurus rex: *Sighs… *Changes channel
Music with headphones while vacuuming is not a good idea.
I just finished the whole house and the vaccum wasn’t even plugged in.
8 hrs sleep: So refreshed
6 hrs: Feeling fine
4 hrs: I will rip your head off for a minor transgression
2 hrs: Why is my boss a Minotaur
“How do you do, fellow birds?”
The way I act when I have to line my wheel up at the car wash you would think I’m trying to land a 747 on a tightrope.
My favorite exchange on Twitter today.
My 4yo keeps calling me ‘young man’ and I corrected him by saying, ‘I’m not a young man, I’m an old woman.’ I feel like he set me up.