My favorite Yoga Pose is the Upward Facing Couch Potato.
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I’ve developed a rash from my wedding ring, which can only mean my body is rejecting marriage.
A ’diagnosis’ is always bad. No one says ”I was diagnosed with a great sense of humor and a new understanding of global economics.”
Dear White People,
Stop making videos of yourselves singing songs from ‘Frozen’!
Step 1:Make pillows with”Love” printed on them
Step 2:Become a lawyer
Step 3:Defend men who smother their GF with love
Step 4:Become rich
Detective: cause of death
Coroner: too long in a sensory deprivation tank
Detective: that makes no sense
Coroner: i know what it does Dave
My true love: [gives to me a partridge in a pear tree]
Me: wtf how did you wrap this
Don’t rub your happiness in people’s faces this Valentine’s Day. Let the couples enjoy themselves for once.
Void?
Y E S F R I E N D
Can you answer a question?
Y E S
What’s the meaning of life?
L O O K B E H I N D Y O U
There’s nothing there.Oh.
if you’re havin girl problems I feel bad for you son, I got 99 problems and they’re all bottles of beer on the wall
If a dragon flew overhead right now, I’d be surprised but not surprised surprised
i saw someone say on facebook once, very seriously, that irish dancing was invented as a form of resistance against the english so the irish could be hiding behind bushes and the english wouldn’t be able to see that they were dancing with their legs.
I was under the false impression that my kids would stop elbowing me in the bladder after they were born
A person becomes 10 times more attractive not by their looks but by photoshop
Standing on the corner with a cardboard sign that says ‘will work around red flags.’
I love you and all but I’d push you into oncoming traffic for a large pizza and a Twix.
It’s amazing to me that blink-182 missed a big opportunity to market their own moisturizing eye drops.
Me: I’m here to collect my pre-demon.
Lady: Sir, at this animal shelter, we call them kittens.
“Being nice to someone costs zero dollars.”
-cheapskates
I see dead people.
No wait, I take that back.
I see people I want dead.
wife: i wish you’d moan during sex
[later, whilst doing the sex]
me: i wish i was eating a grilled cheese
You never hear of Albert Einstein’s evil twin brother, Frank.
Ate my wife’s chocolates & said they were coffee flavored because she doesn’t like those but guess what guys they weren’t coffee flavored.
7 had questions about periods so I answered as best as I could and when I told her they happen every month, she burst into tears which is the appropriate response.
ME: I’ll have the steak, medium-rare please
WAITER: Sure, would you like anything on the side?
ME: To be totally candid I’d like it all on the plate
Alexa, make me look good naked.
Jesus: This is where I realized how heavy you are. This is where I tripped. And this is where I tried doing the macarena and dropped you.
🎶 It was an itsy bitsy teenie weenie 🎶
My EarPods died 5 minutes into my walk so I’m going home to watch TV. It was a sign. Exercise is stupid.
Just saw an eagle swoop down and pick up a baby bunny, so cute when animals are friends!
Possum 911: What’s your emergency
Possum: MY CHILDREN ARE ALL DEAD!
Possum 911: You sure they aren’t just playing?
Possum: Oh yeah