My favourite drivers are the designated ones.
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The kids left w/my parents for a week. I plan to run around the house for an hour yelling “woo hoo”, but after that my schedule is wide open
HR: Do you know why we called you in here today?
Me: I’m not taking off my Batman suit, sir.
how do I gracefully leave this party early but also take the queso dip with me
“I decided I wanted to be a ninja so I googled “Ninja School”, followed the link and the page could not be found. Well played, Ninja School”
[Jr. Biology class, girls in jumpsuits burst in]
OK, who’s ready for fun? We’re The Photosynthesisters & we’re gonna talk 2 U about PLANTS!
Mission control: what’s happening up there??
Dutch astronaut: Houston, we hebben een serieus probleem
I scratched my wife’s makeup case but the damage was only cosmetic
The most rebellious thing about me is that I refuse to cover my super white legs no matter how many people I blind with them
I’m just playing devils avocado here
Ask your doctor if doctors are right for you. Make them self conscious. Question their motives. Die unnecessarily young and smug.
The options really are this bad
I need an aggressive dog-barking sound on my phone, for whenever anyone knocks on the bathroom door when I’m in there
“This year sucked, next year will suck too.” Enough negativity, let’s hear something aspirational. In 2024 we will put all tik tok content creators in jail
I’ve had the same phone for over three years, so I know a thing or two about commitment and frustration.
me: what’s your name?
alien: it cannot be pronounced by your earth tongue
me: is it jeff?
alien:
me:
alien: I didn’t know you could do j sounds it actua—it is jeff
[Quarantine, Day 5]
Me: Amelia, push my afternoon meetings this conference call is running long
My daughter’s Amelia Bedelia doll wearing a Bluetooth:
Daniel slept in a lions den
Peter slept in a prison
Jesus slept in a stormNo matter the circumstance, you can always take a nap.
Son: Dad, you work so hard and never get any credit. You’re like a superhero!
Dad: Nice try. You’re still not getting the Internet password.
“I’ve invented the toaster”
SADISTIC CEO: What number toasts it perfectly?
“2”
SC: ok make it *cries with laughter* make it go up to 8
i once got pulled into the boss’s office because a coworker was upset that i gave him “a look that implied he was an idiot.”
I’d really like for my friends to host an intervention for me, there’s nothing wrong or anything, I just think it would be cool to see everyone
My special superpower is seeing patterns. Grandma thinks it’s a bullshit superpower, her knitting room is full of them
They say nothing rhymes with orange. I must be pronouncing it wrong.
50% of mariachi bands end in divorciachi.
Me: I wish u’d bring back my 1st pet
Genie: No blood magic
Me: I wish politicians had to tell the truth
Genie: [sigh] what was ur pets name?
you either dated people in middle school or you’re funny now
my biggest fear is a kiIler saying some funny shit whiIe im playing dead
Someone stole my identity. And then sent it back with $100 and a note that said “So sorry man. Hope things work out.”
doc: the bad news is your insurance is terrible
me: what’s the good news
doc: you won’t need it for long
Food prices really ARE insane right now. My son just charged me $300 for a plastic taco from his toy food truck.