@: My favourite part of the Bible is the hollowed-out section I keep my drugs in.
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@sofarrsogud: ZOO BOSS: You're fired! ME: Is it because I cross bred a dog with a zebra and called it a Debra, after my wife? BOSS: Yes. Yes it is.
@myles_morrison: People with profile pictures of their kids. Stop it. All I can think is, why are these toddlers trying to add me on facebook?
@sumpeoplelikeit: The person sleeping next to you is statistically more likely to murder you than any other person on the entire planet. Do the dishes.