My favourite part of the Bible is the hollowed-out section I keep my drugs in.
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After all the books are banned they’ll move on to suggestive fruit
Me: OMG did I tell you about my mom’s Facebook post?
Cop: Not only do you have the right to remain silent, I’m going to have to insist on it
I think carefully about what I’m going to say and I still manage to say the wrong thing. It’s truly a gift I have.
If you lean back in a chair and put your feet up on the desk, everything you say will be beaming with confidence and bravado especially if it’s not your office.
Apparently I’m only fluent in English until it comes time to leave a voicemail
*Likes your fan page* *Hides activity from timeline*
Me: I have an imaginary gf.
Therapist: U can do better than that.
M: I know, it’s just–
T: I was talking to her.
Doctor: it’s a beautiful baby girl!
Nurse: what’s her name?
Me: well we both love Kit Kats
Nurse: that’s so cute! Kit, or Kat?
Me: meet Wafer
[encountering even the mildest of inconveniences] and you would let this happen to me in this, the year of the King’s coronation?
throwback to when the car insurance lady asked my mom for front, rear, & side views but she didn’t get the memo..
During winter months, some people will try to hug you just to steal some of your body heat.
Beware of false huggers.
Aww you passed out, let’s see what you’ve got in your wallet, shall we?
Maybe we should be focussing less on Goldilocks and more on why Mama and Papa bear don’t sleep in the same bed anymore.
[mall]
Wife: Wait here.
Me: Okay.
Wife: Hold my purse.
Me: Yes, ma’am.*looks in purse*
*waves at testicles*
Me: *sigh* I miss you guys!
In my family, we settle all disputes by pointing out the other’s short comings and failures and whoever starts crying first loses.
The Queen is so afraid of how the vote will turn out, she put Sam Smith in a boat circling Scotland singing “Stay With Me” into a megaphone.
Shapewear for women, but it’s a system of pulleys and levers so you can morph into different configurations, like “sexy Chrysler Building” or “new condos going up”
I’m gaining weight for my role as “‘Before’ picture”
Liquidity is the only difference between soup, stew and a casserole. There, I said it.
[sets up grandfather’s first computer]
ME: Okay, Grandpa… Just call me if you have any questions or problems.
[phone rings one hour later]
ME: Hello?
GRANDPA: WebMD says I’m pregnant.
Holiday cards, when you care enough to let friends, family, customers & clients see how your handwriting hasn’t improved since fourth grade.
me: *accidentally cuts off a car while merging*
[20 minutes later]
me: *tapping on their window as they shift to park in their driveway* hey is everything ok between us
*opens twitter*
*sees “Show me 2 photos of yourself that you like”*
*closes twitter*
Part of being a woman means you can break your leg or be having a cardiac arrest & a nurse will still ask when your last period was.
[the creation of nostalgia]
GOD: ok give the children all the happy feelings
ANGEL: okay
GOD: now as they age don’t let them recreate those feelings
ANGEL: uh—
GOD: make them hyper aware that they once had something they’ll never have again
ANGEL: dude what is your problem
I’m bisexual, but I don’t currently have a boyfriend or a girlfriend.
You could say I’m on stand-bi.
I just said, “Have a good nice!” to a drive-thru attendant, so real quick everybody start saying that so I don’t feel stupid, thanks
When they spot a towel hanging neatly on a rack, teens consider it a personal challenge to rip it down, wad it up & leave it on the floor.
I’m at my most potato when I’m twice-baked
They say dress for the job you want not the job you have so I’m wearing no pants. Boss seems angry tho. She must know I’m looking elsewhere.