Creepy Singles in your area want to sniff your panties and drink your bath water
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Like most major sports injuries, almost all Rock, Paper, Scissors injuries occur because of insufficient stretching before the match.
He’s the one. I know it. Don’t you agree?
Jar of pickled onions: I think you’ve had enough to drink
When you’re feeling frisky and shaved up to your knee.
[ alone in a dark cemetery ]
me: marco
Fries should be offered more often like yes your mortgage is approved would you like fries with that?
I drove by two different First Baptist churches today.
One of them is lying.
I’m so thankful for the guy who pressed the crosswalk button 10x after watching me push it.
I bet his will be the winning push that saves the day.
I wasn’t allowed to watch “A Charlie Brown Christmas” as a kid because of my Peanut allergy.
In my mind, I’m about 22-years old. Then I walk by a mirror.
My husband asked if I wanted to go on a hot air balloon ride but there’s just something about a flame & a wicker basket that makes me want to say no.
20s wristband:
After hours club.50s wristband:
Colonoscopy at the hospital.
Do NOT play Yahtzee with squirrels.
One of the best examples of someone posing a question that they already know the answer to is the WeightWatchers website asking me if I accept cookies.
Doctor: It doesn’t look good
Me: What? You haven’t even tested me for covid yet
Doctor: Judging by that outfit you’ve clearly lost your sense of taste
Some of you wonder how I’m still married, pfft you should wonder how I got married in the first place.
Whenever someone says “I’m in a good place,” I want to ask for the address.
“I know you! You were one of the bad guys in Titanic!” I yelled at the ocean, who ignored me like most celebrities.
people see me spend money and think im rich bro im just irresponsible
I assume people who don’t hate people also don’t drive.
All I’m saying is people who don’t swear are fornicated up emotionally.
Hate it when I get carried away with emotions.
Lost a who-blinks-1st competition with a box of donuts & had to eat em all in a fit of rage
My bag of chocolate-covered espresso beans is empty.
In unrelated news, my daughter is swinging Tarzan-style from the ceiling lamp.
PHIL COLLINS: Here tonight is the man who inspired my next song, “Fat Shithead Clogged My Toilet.”
[spotlight tracks me as I head for Exit]
When Prince Adam called upon the power of Greyskull and turned into He-Man, it didn’t make him bigger or stronger it just made him more naked
my wife’s friend is so pissed i made fun of his lazy eye he’s having a hard time even looking at me
do people who back up into parking spots also back up into elevators
Give me a minute, I can make this about me.
A girl on Facebook says it’s officially too cold to go outside. Thank you for your official confirmation, Madison, I will remain indoors.