“My fellow Americans-”
Barack
“we are working tirelessly-”
Sir
“to make sure-”
Barack. You’re still wearing ur xbox headset
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Accidentally searched “how fast does a stool softener work” in the Zoom chat.
When someone asks me how my day is, I like to say “Still kinda pissed about Hiroshima,” & then start swearing in Japanese.
My husband gives people the thumbs down instead of flicking them off from the car. He reports that the thumbs down makes people even more mad.
Toy Story
Toy Story 2: Toy Fast Toy Furious
Toy Story 3: Toykyo Drift
Toy Story 4: Toy Meets World
Toy Story 5: Toynado
Toy Story 6: Lotso’s Revenge
Toys 7
Toy Story 8: Toy Yoda-thon
Toy Story 9: The Fate of the Toys
friend: our baby was a surprise
me: *aware that pregnancy lasts for nine months* … how
Welcome to your 40’s. Your body now involuntarily makes haunted house sound effects.
Hey vegans. Making a salad is not “cooking”. Making a salad is “assembling”.
Don’t ask me to dance. I look like a four-year old with his first sparkler.
“There’s approximately a 50% chance there will be weather today.”
-meteorologists
My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days.
I said it must be my weekend immune system.
My family’s dull. All through his teens my brother had his head buried in a book before dad exhumed it & reattached to the rest of his body.
Husband: Want any Chic-fil-A brought home?
Me: Yes, I’d like the one by the mall, please.
“I loves hows you’ve done me spinach Doc!” Popeye tells his host.
Hannibal winks. “The secret is to add a bit of Olive Oil.”
Me: I’m terrified and jealous of your violent happiness.
Friend That Knows How To Tap Dance: I understand.
I just tried to make coffee with my air fryer, so TGIF
I’m flying to my 30th high school reunion and I think I forgot to turn my stove off and also to be successful
Wanna make a boyfriend? Choose someone who’s still playing Wordle. He’ll never leave you.
Boss: We’re doing a role-playing exercise today
Me: *dressed as a sexy nurse* Hell yeah
Boss: My office please
Me: Ooooh
Boss: Not like that
No one makes more observations than a child sharing a stall with his mother inside a public restroom.
Hotel reviews are pure chaos. You’ll read, “Breathtaking lobby. Extraordinary suites. My stay filled me with a deep & lasting sense of peace.” Then the next one’s like, “This dump is FILTHY! Elevator was SLOW! Ice machine TIPPED over & I’m STILL pinned BENEATH IT!!!”
I wish my refrigerator would quit opening my bedroom door, staring at me, sighing and walking away.
If climate change were a real threat, we would all simply open our doors and air condition the world. C’mon man.
I just yanked a bag of Doritos away from my daughters and yelled “we’re about to eat dinner!” Then I finished the bag off by myself in the pantry.
Everything reminds me of my ex
Me: *holds up my phone showing my tweet has a total of 6 favorites*
Bouncer: you still can’t go in
having twitter is just like reading the newspaper except the newspaper is on fire and all the writers hate you
Whenever my kid’s teacher asks how I’m doing, I always want to reply, “Why? What did my kid tell you?”
They also CAN sing✌️
I hate when things are inscrutable. just wanna scrute ‘em so BAD.