If you watch Scooby-Doo backwards its about some kids helping a business owner enter a costume contest then minding their own business.
You Might Also Like
I don’t know why Shark Tank rejected my Snore Stopper Pillow.
If he:
-Changes his entire look for you
-Travels 1,900 miles upstream to chase you
-Procreates and dies
-Replenishes an entire ecosystem with his carcassHe’s not your valentine, he’s a Chinook salmon
Virtually all of the murderers in the Poirot books would’ve gotten away with it if they’d simply murdered Poirot.
Just hugged the cat and he burped. He’s taking being called “My baby” too seriously.
Babies love to shake things, but hate to be shaken. It’s like, pick a side, babies.
Its like grandma said,
You’re not crazy when you sleep
Therapist: *holding up a stack of cards* look at these ink blots and tell me the first thing that pops into your head.
Squid: danger, predator, escape, fear of death, danger, my mother-in-law, danger.
Therapist: still on the first card.
Tim Cook bravely announces he’s gay.
The world pats his hand like a kindly grandmother.
“We know, dear.”
Having kids is like continually cleaning up after a huge party that you didn’t attend.
Hey man do you like my costume? You only need photographic memories of every movie scene you’ve ever watched to get it.
I need to make my kids understand that I’m not staff, I’m management.
Doctor: how did you hurt your back?
Me: well, I was lying in bed …
Doctor: and?
Me: that’s it
*a family walking through the park suddenly becomes horrified at the sight of a man sitting on a bench reading a book*
child: {crying} where’s his phone, daddy?
dad: just look away!
mom: {live streaming their encounter} this is not who we are!
“That was supposed to be a compliment.”
-Men
Ancient Man “let’s form a partnership”
Wolves “I dunno. We saw what you do to cows”
Man “Haha, you can trust us” *hides sketch of chihuahua*
A 13 yr old just told me I was cool for an old person. I almost slapped her then she said “you’re like 23, right? I bought her ice cream.
A family of ducks walks into a church. “Hi, yes, umm…I hear you have a man who turned his body into bread?” The father asks timidly.
REALTOR: This community has a great neighborhood watch
WIFE: [sees me suddenly excited] Don’t you dare
ME: WHO DECIDES WHO GETS TO WEAR IT
My hateful coworkers discovered that I eat my lunch in the air ducts and now they’ve taken to smacking the air ducts with a broom.
trying to act casual so the printer doesn’t realize this is time sensitive
I just plugged the charger into my phone, in the correct hole, on the first try.
So it IS possible, guys.
IT. IS. POSSIBLE.
5 minutes left in this NBA game. Gonna read War and Peace, walk the dog, and get a mani/pedi before the final buzzer.
My favorite form of cardio is racing around trying to hide the evidence of my snacking as my husband walks into the room after his workout
this girl I went to college with got super hot and married a rich guy and lives overseas and doesn’t work and does triathlons for fun BUT her fitness insta only has 200 followers and I have 8,000 on Twitter just by being lazy and depressed so, in your face Mandy who’s winning now
Dog: can i eat this?
Me: no i was just-
Dog: [swallowing] thanks
Amazon will acquire Roomba and there’s nothing scary about Alexa on wheels.
Ok, so we’ve already made them resistant to reason and with an absolute disregard for their own safety. But what if we, and now hear me out, also made them incredibly fast?
—God, creating toddlers
what are they serving at kfc then???
All these “make better choices” make me wonder if my parents are now running twitter
JAJAJAJAJAJAJAJA NOOOOOOOOO JAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJJAJAJ AIREEEEEE JAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJA