BOSS: lunch on me today. any ideas?
“pizza”
“sushi”
ME: *suspicious that jeff in HR is an anteater* ants?
[i stare at jeff for his reaction]
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Me, excited because I don’t have to make school lunches for the next three months.
*Summer camps have entered the chat.*
This guy at work always looks down my blouse. So im going to put a piece of popcorn in there to see if he points it out.
Does anybody know what date Easter is this year? And if so, what are you, obsessed with Easter
People get so weird when I step on the gym scale behind them, naked.
HIM: I like your shirt!
ME: [wondering why he excluded every other thing I’m wearing and also me] thanks
“No man is an island.”
– someone with a basic grasp of land forms and human biology
[at Dr. appointment]
Dr.: yeah looks like you have too much acid in your diet.
Me: JESUS CHRIST DOC YOUR FACE IS MELTING
Taking everything I read on social media with a grain of salt is why I’m so swole
If I just had a baby and was sitting in a donkey stable in the middle of winter and a little boy started drumming right in my sleeping infant’s face, I would have totally lost my shit.
[millennial children kindergarten roll call]
Teacher: Nancy?
Nancy: here
Nanci: here
Nancee: here
Pnancy: Here
Gnancy: here
Who called it a one night stand and not a humpty dumpty
I asked my 5 yr old if she wanted to help me make a cake and she said that she doesn’t make cakes. She eats them.
Her face will be on currency one day.
HER: I work for the Red Cross.
ME: *leaning in* That’s a huge plus.
Blonde in laundromat asks to have
a sweater cleaned.Attendant : “Come again ?”
( not hearing )Blonde: “Nope, Just mustard this time”
[5 min into first date]
Her: I have a pug named Piglet-
Me: [motioning waiter for check] I’d like to go meet him rn
i’m still crying at this
ME: You know what they say, “Never go to bed hungry.”
HER: Angry.
ME: *Mouth full of nuggets* It’s prolly cuz you’re hungry.
“I’m going to enter you now,” I announce to an elevator to the bewilderment of everyone who is already inside. A lady clutches her purse.
People say I’m self-centered, but the important thing is that they’re talking about me
Some say Obama is the biggest liar of all time..
I say, the person who chose the spelling of, “Colonel” is the biggest liar of all time
I’ve never really found myself “in a pickle,” but it sounds quite jarring.
Waiter: would you like a water?
Me: ew, gross.
Waiter: what if I add some frozen water to the glass?
Me: tempting.
Waiter: would a dirty lemon wedge seal the deal?
Me: [nods] indeed.
you can tell the new mad max movie takes place in a lawless post apocalyptic hellscape because not one person used their blinker
Me: Well well, if it isn’t the consequences of my own actions.
Him: Please, call me James.
Airport beers are great because it means you are traveling and also that you hate your own money
HOW TO DIAGNOSE ERECTILE DYSFUNCTION:
1) It’s not very hard
(meeting for naming cereal)
“List the ingredients; maybe we’ll get inspired.”“Honey, bunches of oats–”
“I think we’re done here.”
My car alarm is the driver’s door falling off onto the foot of an unsuspecting thief.
Jennifer Aniston is always cast in the same role because she’s a victim of Rachel profiling.
Me: “I’ll drink to that!”
Them: “Nobody said anything.”
Me: “I’ll drink to that!”