Barista: Name?
Me: Ursula
Barista: With an E?
Me: no, U
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My son: I need a nap, I’m so tired.
Me: Aw buddy – didn’t sleep good last night?
My son: no, I just couldn’t sleep in class today like I usually do.
Me:
[private investigator hands me a folder] well she’s not cheating on you
[looking though numerous photos of my wife refrigerating bread] oh god no
All I’m saying is people who don’t swear are fornicated up emotionally.
[goes back to Target just for the things I forgot]
cashier: that’ll be $337.48 and can you describe the children
Needed one cotton ball. Two were left. Took both so one wouldn’t feel lonely.
I also have strong feelings about the last two pudding cups.
I have social anxiety but am toxically polite. I faked plans to get out of talking to someone & then invited them to the fake plans.
I always thought it was socially acceptable to mop up gravy with a piece of bread, but apparently it has to be “your plate” and you have to “have clothes on”.
Good morning, Twitter x
[lava kids playing in a volcano]
“the floor is linoleum!”
Me: I can’t do anything right
Therapist: You’re in my chair
Next time you kill thousands of innocent people in a disaster, tell the judge you “work in mysterious ways” and see how far it gets you.
If you can name four Metallica songs, you are in Metallica.
My new monthly budget
Gas $0
Clothes $0
Entertainment $0
Food $1500
Alcohol $1000
Por…. uhhh entertainment $500
Batman Begins Twerking #AddaWordRuinaMovie
*a horse, dog and penguin walk into a bar
Bartender: Seriously, why are we even paying the bouncer?
I’m jealous of Gen Z for missing the era of the “cute top.” I once asked a forum about club outfits ideas and everyone said “jeans and a cute top” and I said “what’s an example of a cute top” and they all just laughed and told me to Google it
The neighbor heard me talking to myself so I had to pretend to be on the phone.. again
ONLINE QUIZ: “According to your answers, the Sorting Hat says you are a: —HUFFLEPUFF—”
BIG BAD WOLF: Whaaaaaat?? That has to be the stupidest thi– oooh, I get it…
Chunky peanut butter is just peanut butter that hasn’t quite reached its full potential. Be patient with it.
“Stay out of the heat & stay hydrated.”
Thank you news-anchor. It’s my first summer.
[painting a picture of the last supper]
“Who’s that?”
“Darth Vader.”
“Was he 1 of Jesus disciples?”
“I dunno, I’ve only seen the 1st movie.”
me: where did you put my gravy boat?
son: on the table, next to the lettuce
me: the lettuce, the ICEBURG lettuce?
son: dad, stop with the titanic jokes
this mf tried to spell arrangatangs with an o
EARTH: hey there buddy why so sad?
ME: climate change is ravaging human existence with endless waves of disaster
EARTH: great just checking
They’re upping my charges from prank bomb to non-Arab terrorism.
When my wife does our daughter’s hair: “How about a double French braid swirled into a fancy bun?”
When I do her hair: “How about a hat?”
Someone talked me into trying an egg nog flavored candy cane.
Don’t let this happen to you!
On the one hand, I want to exercise and take care of myself. On the other hand, it’s just more years of living on a planet full of morons.