“Food expiration dates are lies. It’s all about control.” My knife breaks as I cut into a plate of milk. “I’m saving this for later.”
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In my defense, I never said that I had “completed the project.” I said that I was “done working on it.” Two totally different things.
My phone has been on silent since 2015 but will still check to see if it’s my phone if I hear a phone ring in public
SPIN INSTRUCTOR: you can do this, you just have to want it
ME, NOT EATING ICE CREAM SANDWICHES IN BED: neat. what’s another way?
*throws goods on conveyor belt*
Cashier: is that all sir?
Me:”Nope. You got change for a trophy?”
Boy, was I disappointed when I found out canoodling doesn’t involve actual noodles.
Twitter was down earlier. I tried telling jokes on Grindr but it wasn’t as satisfying
SECURITY GUARD: “Sir, I have to check all backpacks”
ME: “ok”
*opens backpack*
*its full of hundreds of tiny backpacks*
[Date]
Her: you’re a twin too?! what does your brother do?
Me: *trying to hide that I keep him in a medically-induced coma in case I need his organs* not much
Her: …
Me: you see I keep him in a medically-induced coma in case I need his organs
Anakin: …is it possible to learn this power?
Palpatine: *grins* not from a Jedi. Which is why I use SkillShare. SkillShare is an online learning community where you can learn—and teach—just about anything. Get two months of Skillshare Premium for free with coupon code “SHEEV”
Siri says she is sorry but I’m not sure she means it
Him: Do you swallow?
Me: Every time I chew.
My daughter is writing a poem about our dog and she’s trying to find a word that rhymes with his name. Our dog’s name is Tucker. This will not end well.
my mom gave me a whistle in case you guys start giving me advice
Just once, I would love to look my kid in the eyes when he gives me a picture he spent a long time coloring, and have the nerve to say, “could you make me another one…that’s not what I wanted,” just so he can get a sense of what it feels like to make him dinner every night.
Any time a sentence starts with “This is America!” brace your ears for some next level ignorant shit.
Mrs. Potato Head: OH MY GOD!
Mr. Potato Head: What?
Mrs. PH: Your browser history.
Mr. PH: I can explain!
Mrs. PH: TATER TOTS YOU PERVERT?!?
periods should last only 15 mins. like thanks for letting me know im not pregnant, now you can leave the doors that way.
intermittent fasting? i just slept 7 hours without a snack what more do you want from me?
Allen: I’ll never talk
Me: *selecting an allen key from my torture tools* we’ll see about that
(me hosting a paranormal show): you look like you’ve seen a ghost!
Director: for the tenth time please stop saying that
If you blast Foreigner’s “I Want To Know What Love Is”, the naked old guys in the gym locker room cover up pretty damn quick.
Hey guys, I almost did a backflip today!
EMT: Please try not to speak, sir.
Me: He was choking. Seemed like he couldn’t breathe
Cop: Why didn’t you help him
Me: My dog was sleeping in my lap
Cop: Totally understand
I have caller ID for the front door.
If you don’t call me first, I am NOT answering the door.
ME: The kitten has eaten all the grapes!
GF: Just get some more
ME: Ok[later]
GF: Did you get more grapes?
ME [drowning in kittens] what?
I’d rather my son bring home a pregnant girl than head lice
I believe there are people on this planet who were born to get in everyone’s way at the grocery store.
I can tell I’m watching too much porn when I’m filling up w/ gas & just before the nozzle clicks off I pull it out and spray it on the car.
If alcohol damages your short memory. Just imagine what alcohol can do.