[my first attempt at standup]
ME: So, I was at the gym the other day…
MY STALKER (from the back): lol no you weren’t
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“i hope this email finds you,” she threatened
Wonder which part of Batman’s belt holds the bat-shaped throat lozenges he uses after speaking in his tough voice for long periods of time.
“For my next illusion” the magician announces: “Free will!” Everyone starts clapping but they don’t know why
You could eat off my bedroom floor. It’s not clean, but it is sturdy enough to support most food.
My German girlfriend said she wants me to eat her Kürbiskuchen. I was aroused.
I found out it means pumpkin pie. Now I’m more aroused.
Never seen a bar fight break out while people are drinking wine. Beer, yes. Hard liquor, yes. But not wine.
If I were a music critic I would write things like, “He really steered that car into the driveway” or “Her music makes me want to eat a quality pizza”
Reporter: are you nervous about the fight?
Me nervously: no
Reporter: he said he’s going to ‘rip your heart out’
Me crying: but I need it
*medication may cause
– hair cramps
– tongue mold
– restless skin syndrome
– pomegranate ear
– swamp lip
– knee teeth
awkward
Have you ever stopped & thought about how there are hundreds of millions of really nice suits just buried underground?
Me: it’s time to go
Kids: wait. I cannot possibly leave without my emotional support toothpick but I don’t know where it is
I shall play you the song of my people
*stomach growls*
I’ve been calling my kids children of the corn for so long my daughter just called me mom of the corn and I’m fine with it.
Apparently “What inning is it?” is not a valid Football related question. Sports are hard.
No one:
Cats: When they say “get off” ignore them, we’re cats.
I am certain at least half of all curse words in history were created while someone without ninja skills was trying to work in the same room as a housefly.
Me: *cooking a Caribbean meal*
Her: smells great in there, and I hear you’re playing a little steel drum music to get us in the mood
Me: *frantically scraping cremated jerk chicken from pan* steel drum music, yes
You’d think Kate Middleton would have people to hide for her.
ME: 3 Big Macs please. lol it’s my cheat day
CLERK: you ordered the same thing yesterday
ME:[leans in] why don’t u mind your own gd business
remains to be seen, not heard
– undertakers
It’s like the pottery scene from Ghost, except it’s you, standing behind me, helping me use a Tide Pen on my food stains.
Me, “Alexa, make all these people leave my house.”
Alexa, “Playing Nickelback.”
Me : I will never work for my boss again…
She : Why ? What did he said to you??
Me : ‘You are Fired’
Lessons learned from last night: There is no such thing as a goalie in darts
Putting carrot sticks in the break room next to the cake is considered work place violence, Jim. Security will see you out.
I’m jealous of how many friends the people on Intervention have.
Hey Dad, your neighbor called,
they wanna know if you could
turn down your TV, they’ve
already heard this episode of
Law & Order.
[hiding in pantry from murderer]
[quietly tries to open bag of chips]
Lord I was born a ramblin’ man.
You can tell by my endless and pointless tweets.