My first base coach won’t let me practice kissing, I hate baseball.
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What if ISIS started claiming responsibility for nice things like when my mom says, “who emptied the dishwasher?!”
Kid: We never have anything good to eat!
Me: Go shake your car seat out.
*12 pulls a gray hair out of my head*
M: Wow, look at that!
12: Hang on. There’s A LOT more!
M:
12: Can I get paid for pulling these out?
Movie trivia is always like, “The actor improvised when he screamed & threw the plate, so the reactions of fear from his co-stars are real. The actress who played the mom was 2 years older than the actress who played her daughter.”
My “get up and go” got up and left years ago.
Person: How do you go to the bathroom?
Me [from my wheelchair]: I drink a lot of fluid and after a few hours, my body tells me it needs to come out.
What does Mario spend all those gold coins on? He has one outfit, travels by foot & lives in the sewer
The worst part of seeing my grandfather get run over while crossing the street is knowing that I have failed this driving exam
and now a text from my mom:
are you okay??? you didn’t like my fb post about making jam, so I got worried
waiter: how was your roast duck sir
me: fine, i’ll take the bill now
waiter: sorry sir but we don’t serve that part
me: no no, i need to pay
waiter: your hair looks fine to me sir
america, 1969: let’s put a man on the moon
teletubbies, 1997: we’re gonna put a baby in the sun
me: how is your pancake, bud?
3yo, rubbing the pancake on his face: it’s soft
I was at a job interview today when the manager handed me a laptop and said: I want you to try to sell this to me. So I put it under my arm, left the building and went home. Eventually he called me and said: Bring my laptop back now. I said: $200 and it’s yours.
Me: [Nudges friend] You should see what I just wrote on the bathroom wall.
Friend: Uh… You do know we’re at my house right?
every raccoon you see is currently on parole
Meditation is fun when you want to do nothing for an hour but still feel a sense of accomplishment.
Ok kids, you get in bed, I’ll get the story book.
All tucked in? Here we go…*opens The Shining
My cat sat up from a dead sleep and stared, frantic toward the empty basement laundry room so I guess I’ll be buying a new house now.
My neighbour keeps making cutting remarks like “you really need a better lawnmower”
I think marriage should be between a robot and a spider horse because I’m a retarded man child and this is what I bring to the conversation.
My boss: we’re gonna have to let you go
Me: *shouting over Slayer* why?
Telling a child not to touch something only ensures that child is definitely now going to touch that something.
One day my GPS is gonna say, “You should know this one by now” and shut off.
It truly bothers me how many people would marry someone just for their money. Because I’m trying to do that & you’re lowering my chances.
Want to feel like a cute puppy? Follow the steps:
1: Grow curly hair
2: Wait for the petting, it’ll come
[swimming]
friend: shark!
me: relax, you’re more likely to be killed by a bus than killed than by a shark
shark: *driving out of control bus into the ocean*
me: well I’ll be damned
I don’t care if you talk behind my back. Just speak up so I can hear you too.
me: I want to travel to the victorian era & meet a real gentleman [takes time machine back to 1860 England]
man: 31? what are u my grandma?
How many wicks would John Wick wick if John Wick could wick wicks?