My first child will be named New Folder.
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I pull my pants and underwear down to my ankles when I pee at a urinal and when I drink at a water fountain
Every time I see the headline ‘tragedy on film set’ I think oh god m knight shymalan is making another goddamn movie
Ludacris: put your money where your mouth is
CDC: please don’t
I love lifting but it’s so embarrassing that I’ve become a gym bro like, my parents told me I’m gonna hurt myself lifting and drinking preworkout and I was like “well I’d rather die as a lion than live as a sheep.” Wtf? I need to shut up like who do I think I am
Dang, my 250 million year old salt has expired
Girl, did you take a massage therapy course at a community college with questionable credentials? Because you’re rubbing me the wrong way.
Considered selling feet and/or leg pics but then I realized I’d have to actually shave and ain’t nobody got time for that
*car isn’t exactly where I thought I parked it*
Someone stole my car.
[Outside court]
Reporter: How does it feel now you’ve cleared your name?
: Odd
ME: *first day working at LinkedIn* You need to have a DM jail feature
CEO: That’s a great idea
ME: Call it ClinkedIn
CEO: Get out!
The first thing you must do when arriving at any beach is write I AM OKAY in rocks just to let any planes passing overhead know that you don’t need rescuing.
My arc would have been filled with wolves. I would have made a terrible Noah.
dont put all your eggs in one basket, put them in the little egg tray in the fridge thats what its for you idiot
Your Joke Is Factually Incorrect – A Guide to Dying Alone.
wat abot when ther was only 1 set of footprints
“thats when i carried u”
wat abot when the fotprints went in the ocean
“i tried to drown u”
[first day in hell]
hostess: welcome to hell. please take a seat
waiter: *pouring wine* your steak will be out shortly, sir
me: wow this isn’t so bad
group of waiters approaching in distance: happpppy bir-
Watching horror movies has convinced me that answering a phone never ends well for anyone.
When brushing your teeth at bedtime, if you say 3 times into the mirror: “Sleeping soothes the seething” you will spit toothpaste all over your reflection
Boss: You’re late.
Me: Only in this time zone.
Apparently it doesn’t matter that in China I’d be 12 hours early.
Throwing burgers around furniture because I have a hunch that termites only eat wood because they have not tried anything tastier.
My wife just asked me why she came home to find marinara sauce all over our sleeping baby’s head. Sorry babe, I’M NOT A DETECTIVE.
If you pull out a knife and start sharpening it, people soon stop telling you about their plans for Valentine’s Day.
GOD: A snake that is also a cat lol
ANGEL: What
GOD: Cat snake lmao
“What a brave fashion choice!” is the ninja of insults.
doctor: im afraid u only have a few minutes left to live
me: [sobs] oh my god are u sure
doctor: [pulls out gun] im totally sure
“If you break up with me, I will beach myself.” -dramatic whale
Imposter syndrome: I am surrounded by beings of impossible, cosmic intelligence
Also imposter syndrome: I, an incompetent, have tricked them all
Does refusing to workout count as resistance training?