My first date was awful. Never eaten them since.
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Fact: A childless person coined the phrase “Sleep like a baby.”
*in the car*
dog: where we going?
me: to the neuter clinic
dog: neuter clinic? you’re nuts!
me: no. your nuts
Never make a promise you can’t reschedule.
I’m just a Whole Foods girl on a Walmart budget.
Don’t regret past mistakes. All of your decisions, good and bad, led you to where you are today.
Disregard this if you are in prison.
Iron Man
Iron Man
Does whatever an iron can
Makes stuff hot
Makes stuff flat
Burns your hand
Burns the cat
Burns the house down . .
Shit!
God: You finish all 11 commandments?
Moses: About the 11th one…
God: What?
Moses: Check yourself before you wreck yourself?
God: Fine, 10.
[murders Aquaman with some super absorbent paper towels]
They were testing a machine that calculates your age based on your reflexes. Turns out I am 140 years old.
*arranges romantic candlelit table with two chairs*
*sits in one chair, puts feet up in other*
*sips wine*
Nothing good ever comes after: “I’m not trying to be creepy, but…”
Taken 5: has anyone seen my doggie?
If someone is throwing shade, they’re doing you a favor. Use it, avoid sun damage; let your perfect skin be something else for them to hate.
Wife: We need to do something with the kids
Me: I’m so glad you brought this up. Foster care is–
Wife: No, I meant an activity this afternoon
Got a new stove today and then ordered a pizza because I don’t want to ruin it by getting it dirty or anything.
You come home from a long day at work, you want to relax with a movie, you pop in a blu-ray, turn down the lights, press play, and the first thing you see is an angry lion roaring at you. No wonder Hollywood is dying.
[garden of Eden]
Adam: you’d be so pretty if you smiled
Eve: think I’m gonna go talk to that snake
I can’t stop watching this video 😂😂😂
humans: lets invent computers so they can do work for us and we can be free to see our families or write poems or whatever
also humans: actually if you dont have a job society will murder you it turns out
dad: I AM VERY DISAPPOINTED IN YOU YOUNG MAN
son: HI VERY DISAPPOINTED IN YOU YOUNG MAN IM GREG
dad: omg [sheds a tear]
He wanted to role play doctor and patient, so I have him waiting in my living room next to my neighbour with the wet cough.
[1st date, opening scene of star wars]
ME: *leans over* those are the stars
DATE: thanks
ME: but you have to wait for the wars
Did you breast feed him as a baby?
“Lady, I didn’t have breasts when I was a baby.”
After so much bullshit the past few years this upcoming colonoscopy somehow feels political
Golf is probably fun if you like walking around outside in business casual.
Do what I say and everyone gets hurt.
In my defense,
I was left unsupervised.
[1692 Salem]
“BURN THE WITCH”U HAVE A CROOKED NOSE, WITCH
“No, Frank, at the stake”
[quickly lighting torch]
Right, I knew that.
Thought buying a laptop for 12 would’ve given me some quiet time but here i am filming unboxing videos and crying
she died as she lived: screaming “FOR THE LOVE OF GOD HAVE ANY OF YOUR SCREENWRITERS EVER MET A HUMAN WOMAN?????” at her computer screen