[my first day as a 911 operator]
*eating peanut butter with a spoon* 911 wath er mumergy
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Him: Who’s The Man?!?
Me: Usually, not the guy who says ‘Who’s the man’….
Inside of you are two wolves. Inside of me are twenty one insane weasels. We are not the same
She believed me when i said concentration camps were for people with Attention Deficit Disorder.
One thing I learned in my 20s is if a landlord or real estate agent tells you an apartment has character, they mean roaches
Them: Who is your favorite…
Me: My dog
Them: No, I wasn’t finished. I meant, who is your favorite…
Me: My dog
the worst pressure is when you’re replying to a text with a word you can’t spell and you know they’re going to wonder why it took you 5 minutes to type “I’ll bring hors d’oeuvres”
[Sperm Bank]
DOCTOR (to the Nurse): Get a load of this guy
1) Put on chicken costume
2) Go to store to pick up eggs
3) Run up to store manager and emotionally scream “WHO DID THIS TO MY CHILDREN????”
i’m taking care of a guys owl next week and he just sent me this list of rules. what the hell
Spice things up at church by french kissing your neighbor during the traditional greeting time.
It tastes fantastic but it takes forever to make. What should we call it? A trifle? Yeah, that makes sense.
Uh oh. Mercury is in lemonade again.
Personal Trainer- So how have you been cutting your carbs?
Me-Mostly with a bread knife or a pizza slicer
“Babe I wanna ask you something”
*gets down on one knee*
“When The Little Mermaid became human, how’d she know to use a toilet?”
*ties shoe*
Tequila doesn’t make me drunk and
disorderly, it just seems that way, cuz
Police Reports are all written by cops.
I’m putting on weight for a movie
*eats popcorn in cinema
I fit into my fat clothes again thank god I didn’t throw them away
Apparently, if you put a possum in the mailbox, you’ll get a new mailman…
When I was a kid, my mum used to run a dating site for chickens. She did whatever she could to make hens meet.
a kid i met insisted she visited the “vampire state building” and i couldn’t bring myself to correct her
Date: Are you winking or blinking?
Cyclops: I do not know.
I’m more than tenacious.
I’m elevenacious.
DATE: Are you a dog person or a cat person?
ME: *gets really close to the date & whispers* I’m just a person, what bullshit question is this
I got my grandma an air fryer and she told me I can take it back to the store cause she uses oil in her house 😭😭
I’m not saying I’m a hero, but I did just give a bottle of wine mouth to mouth.
It didn’t make it.
If your name got called on The Price is Right, it’d be fun to scream, jump up and down, and then run full speed out of the studio
[making yellowjackets]
Angel: These things don’t really do anything other than sting people
God: We’re running out of college mascots
My wife thinks that I don’t care for her relatives.
I told her that’s not true. I love her mother-in-law more than I love mine.
I hate it when I’m on twitter & there isn’t a car behind me to honk when the light is green.
My daughter decided to put press on nails before a cooking party so I’m really looking forward to the crunchy cake she brings home.