Based on how he reacts, you’d think my dog’s entire family was killed by pizza delivery guys.
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FINANCIAL ADVISOR: What’s your net worth?
FISHERMAN: Which one?
Your Scooby Doo Villain Name is “old” plus your gender plus your last name.
What’s fun about having kids is being on a Zoom work meeting from home, and your child crawls under your desk, touches your leg, and announces that you need to shave for all to hear
When she finally says yes and you realize that wasn’t a condom you were carrying around for the past 9 years
Please quit telling me to “keep up the good work” the good work was an accident and impossible to replicate
Walk into a pawn shop with a ponytail & a handlebar mustache & they treat you like Ray Liotta walking thru that restaurant in Goodfellas
I sprung into action when a coworker was choking during lunch. I moved him into the next room, so I could eat in peace and quiet
Oh, so you’re a human?
name three pictures with traffic lights in them
I’m like …if parking too far away from the curb was a person.
Honestly I don’t think I have any more new passwords left in me. You wanna steal my identity? Go ahead, I hope you enjoy debt and terrible posture.
Assert your dominance by crossing out your coworkers name on their food and put your own.
Then eat it in front of them.
SON: mommy I’m scared of the bogeyman
ME: there is no bogeyman honey
SON: he’s not real?
ME: oh he’s very real. but I hunted him down years ago
SON:
ME: there was so much blood
SON:
ME: [whispers] his head is in the basement freezer
As my cheeseburger and fries arrived, the woman next to me told the bartender she’s absolutely starving, and then asked for a glass of champagne, 2 olives and a fork.
Me: I’m living paycheque to paycheque
Society: Maybe you should have gotten an education
Me: I’m a teacher
[face pressed against the glass case in the butcher shop] This is a bad zoo
People like to encourage you with helpful advice like “sing like no one is listening” but hate it when you actually do it in line at the Target checkout
Teenager: *eats three corn dogs and a row of Chips Ahoy* mom what’s for dinner
-Balderdash!
-Codswallop!
-Tommyrot!
-Poppycock!Victorian Era YouTube comments
If you use the iPhone 6 upside down, boom, iPhone 9.
I bought a lamp made from citrus fruit, but refuse to use it.
I’m trying to avoid the limelight.
“Does my uniform make me look fat?” -Insecurity guard
I just saw a commercial for a drug called Dupixent and in the commercial the voice over actually said “Do not take if you are allergic to Dupixent.”
🛁
Girl from school who refused to dance with me at elementary school disco: can I get some chicken Mcnuggets
Me: well look who’s come crawling back
My favorite part of the Bible is when God gives humans free will, then kills them with a flood because they didn’t act the way he wanted.
All mushrooms are edible. Some only once.
I love it when my toddler falls asleep with sunglasses on it’s like my own personal weekend at bernie’s.
My foto for you
I hope you are a good girl
Your foto look nice#haiku
I remember this one time I peed in the pool. The lifeguard yelled so loud I almost fell in.
Ok, but have you ever been stuck in a sports bra, and the only person around to help you was your teenage son, so you just lived as a sweaty pretzel for an entire day?