[my first day as a financial investor]
“I’m going all in on this Acme Corporation. Anybody want a piece?”
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Things I’ve Learned From Horror Movies:
•Don’t have sex, you’ll die.
•Don’t leave the group, you’ll die.
•Don’t be black, you’ll die first.
My wife is not satisfied with my assurances that the spider is dead. I must also produce a death certificate, pictures from the funeral and the names and addresses of next of kin.
my parents’ wedding videographer intercut a clip from kermit and miss piggy’s wedding into their service?? without asking???
“And then she kissed the frog and saw him turn into a prince, because kissing frogs makes you hallucinate.”
-me as a babysitter
My son is teaching himself Christmas songs on the trumpet, proving things can be both beautiful and annoying.
me: “why was she called the little mermaid, she was 5ft7?”
therapist: “i meant anything bothering you about your marriage keith”
Welcome to your fifties; you have a favourite hip now.
If you love someone, set them on fire. If they come back, it’s a phoenix
Sometimes, when I’m doing dishes, I’ll just start flinging them towards the cabinets and get mad when it doesn’t work out like it does in cartoons.
[Bath & Body Works]
Me: I need a bottle of body lotion for my wife.
Clerk: These are Buy 3 Get 1 Free.
Me: I just need this one here.
Clerk: That’s not Buy 3 Get 1 but it IS Buy 1 Get 2 and if you buy this it’s Buy 2 Get 3 Free.
Me [leaving with 300 bottles]: how did this happen
[before quarantine]
me: “gross! this cereal has gone stale”
[5 weeks in quarantine]
me: “you found cereal?! ill get the raccoon milk!”
Can’t. Busy getting sized up for a sister wife by the dude at tractor supply.
When I die, I’d like my coffin to be filled with Reese’s Pieces so on my headstone it can say “R.I.R.P.”
If I was in charge of the Batman movies I would do a brief scene where it’s implied there is a Batman in every city in America, each of varying skill. For example, the one in Grand Rapids is locked in his car
[7 peaking around kitchen looking at stuff]
Me: What’s the matter, what are you looking for?
7: Can you keep it down, you’re cooking too loud and I can’t hear the TV
I broke into your house and slept under your bed all night to protect you from the perverts out there.
ME DURING BRITISH BAKE OFF EPISODE 01: so they just bake?
ME DURING BRITISH BAKE OFF EPISODE 10: alice better mind the claggy weather if she’s to produce a biscuit with a proper snap after disappointing paul with an garish proof on her loa
Nav: ‘Take the next left turn.’
Me: ‘That’s not right.’
Nav: ‘No shit.’
[marriage counseling]
Wife: I just wish he wasn’t so clingy
Husband: YOU KNEW I WAS A BARNACLE, LINDA
Me: “If Americans say ‘sidewalk’, what do we mean in England?”
My six year old: “Crab!”
This body wash smells like a smoothie !!!
This body wash does not taste like a smoothie !!!
Hand lotion, or as I like to call it
“Sin sauce”
Fruit and urinal give a bad name to cakes everywhere.
[alphabet committee]
Boss: what are the vowels
Designer: a e i o and u
Boss: sometimes i think we need another one
Designer: why
Boss: ok
My family crest is a hand protectively shielding a slice of pie and a Latin motto that translates as “I’m still working on it.”
Having teenage boys over for the weekend is a great way to clean out the kitchen. It’s like hiring goats to mow the lawn.
My brain acts like Windows 10. It wants to update and I just want to shut down.
[donating blood]
Me [feeling lightheaded]: I’m gonna need that back
Me: I have 7 things to tell you about your house. Number 4 may shock you.
Customer: You are the worst electrician ever.
I thought it would be so cool to have twins before I actually had kids