@GringoBrulee: My first kid will be named Gotham. That way when I have to get up in the middle of the night when they're crying I can say "Gotham needs me"
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@weinerdog4life: Wanna know my secret to rock hard abs? I ride the mechanical duck outside the grocery store 300 times a day.
@BradBroaddus: I just got booed off stage by a bunch of jerks that didn't appreciate my humor. That's the last time I'll do a eulogy.
@internetluke: [showing my family to coworker] This is a picture of my daughter & my cat. Mittens & Jack. "You named your daughter Jack?" Nope, mittens
@MumsieEsq: Just blocked all users from Central & South America. I doubt this "Zika" virus can spread thru social media but why take the risk?