@GringoBrulee: My first kid will be named Gotham. That way when I have to get up in the middle of the night when they're crying I can say "Gotham needs me"
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@Death_Buddy: I keep a chalk outline of myself drawn outside my house so any murderers think, "dang, someone's already got the murdering covered here"
@ddsmidt: I don't tell many people this, but I have been known to carry a shiv. Okay, it's the underwire in my bra and the only one getting stabbed is me, but still.
@ScreaminMomX2: Parenting tip: If your toddler is being quiet then they are probably doin somethin like tryin to flush the cat down the toilet.
@_ironworx_: Stop tweeting MORNING WOOD jokes! You get followed by timber accounts and woodpeckers. Unless you’re building an Ark. In that case carry on