tattoo artist: so you want a pair of scissors, are you a hair stylist
me: no I just hate running
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My computer keeps giving me an error message saying “The Printer Can’t Be Found.” Uh buddy it’s RIGHT NEXT TO YOU, HELLO
Why do all Gas Station restrooms look
like you just walked in on an exorcism.
“Eat me,” said the noun
“Say what?” said the verb.
“Eat me,” repeated the noun, word for word.
“Uhh…okay.” Verbatim.
It may seem that your dog wants to give you a kiss but he really just wants to know if you had peanut butter for dinner
I made this sign for a broken stepladder at work & honestly I think I need to make one for myself too
DOCTOR: You only got one body. You should take care of it.
ME: If I only got one body, I should probably use it up. Really run it ragged.
DOCTOR: …
ME: Get my money’s worth.
“can you explain this gap in your employment history”
yah i was a toddler
[date]
Me: *ok don’t let her know I’m a bull*
Her: “so what are some red flags for you?”
Me: *sweating* “haha red flags? Where?”
*Son storms in
‘DAD! Teacher told me that hibernation is NOT a country of stoner bears and that you’re to stop helping me with my homework’
Fetty Wap’s full name is Fettuccine Wireless Application Protocol.
if i ever write “seemingly” in a discussion post or an essay you can bet i have absolutely NO IDEA what im talking about
Her: Do you know any dog photographers?
Me *imagining a labrador holding a camera* no but I want to
One day you’re young and the next you’re standing at the kitchen window staring menacingly at your neighbors.
To impress the guys I told them I was dating an artist. I didn’t tell them her preferred medium was sandwiches.
just once i’d like to lay in bed nude and drink a cup of tea without an art class trying to paint my portrait
Welcome to HouseHunters. Brenda sells keychains on Etsy and Keith shoots birds at the airport.
They have a budget of $430,000…
Wife: The soap recipe calls for essential oils
Me: *pours*
Wife: And now lye
Me: I’m *not* attracted to several of the Muppets
Wife: What
Me: What
The first rule of Swim Club is don’t talk about Swim Club for at least 30 minutes after eating.
*struts into the new year
~ trips
[office]
BUSINESS SNAKE: [dictating a letter]
SECRETARY: [just hammering the S key]
ME: No, no, no! I’m not saying they necessarily DID exist at the same time! What I’m saying is, IF they did, then Captain Hook and Scar from Lion King WOULD’VE been best friends!
MY CAT: *meow*
ME: Delusional how?
Tomorrow is school picture day
Can 9 choose his own clothes? Yes
Did I just remove clothes from his closet I don’t want him to choose? Also yes
Pregnancies really fly by when they are someone else’s
Me: Honey, have you seen my beer?
Wife: Did you check in the shower?
Me: OOOH!!! Good thinking!
People that use abbreviations like ppl, wyd, hmu, and idk – what do you do with all that time you saved?
Fine officer, then tell me what animals it is okay to get in a karate fight with. I’m waiting.
Sex is fine, but have you ever completed every single thing on your to-do list?
My prompt email replies are 10% due to me being a diligent employee, and 90% due to the crippling OCD that compels me to clear my inbox.
He just always looks at me like I’ve wronged him