My first son he is wonderful
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My neighbor has a couple of cameras on her house, every time I go past I wave at her through the camera, she told me the other day she gives me the finger.
You guys ever see a mannequin and think she’s completely out of your league?
He: “I’ll catch a grenade for you.”
She: “Prove it.”
He: *Plays Call of Duty*
*attaches note to pigeon
*stuffs pigeon into envelope
Imagine going on a date with someone holding a fish in their dating profile picture and when you get to the restaurant it’s just a salmon sitting there waiting
As I waved my gun in their faces, I thought to myself “What kinda weird bank has children, clowns, presents, & balloons all over the place?”
“Always bring a nail file, scissors, tweezers, a corkscrew, a toothpick and a bottle opener to a knife fight.” — The Swiss Army
only a short 14,256 hours left on this tuesday
*at funeral*
ME: I know how you feel
FRIEND: Dont bring up the time you only got yel–
ME: One time I only got yellows in my Starburst pack
Psssst. You guys. When Canada is sleeping we should sneak up there and remove the all the U keys from their keyboards.
“Hi, I’m Rob Thomas for the Organ Donor Association. Give me your heart, make it real or else forget about it.”
“His house was clearly on fire but he thought he had time to hit the snooze button just once.”
-an obituary
[dog on trial for murder]
lawyer: who’s a good boy?
dog: I am
lawyer: your honor I rest my case
I’m your girl in the apocalypse till there’s something that needs to be opened because I have no muscles in my hands 😭😭😭😭
My kids are so sweet! Even if they wake up early, they’ll destroy the house quietly so I can still rest.
Karate Kid (1984, PG): An old Asian man tricks a bullied teenager into doing household chores for him.
[126 minutes]
The wife surprised me on my birthday by coming to see me at work, so I surprised her too by having Brenda from Accounts sitting on my lap when she arrived.
My computer just gave me an “Error 404” message, which can’t be right because I know I’ve made way more errors than that.
Great. Ban gay marriage. Remember what happened during Prohibition? Now we’re going to have everyone making bathtub gay marriages.
Every 2020 wine has to be bad. You can’t open a cabernet in 2026 like “oh, 2020. That was a good year.”
If you see your ex, wrap your hands behind your neck and pretend you’re making out with someone. That’ll show him you’re still crazy AF.
The rumor that I’m secretly creating a zombie apocalypse to generate demand for flamethrowers is completely false
My son just turned an everything bagel into an everywhere bagel.
me: [excitedly opening litter box] those are not kittens
First day of summer vacation so I told my kids to propose a daily chore list and a fair compensation system and long story short, I just got home from work and I guess I already owe them $725 and a trip to Disneyland.
“You’re acting weird.”
First of all, I’m not acting
Whoever came up with ‘the world is our oyster’ must’ve really been into mucus.
If I had to pick a favorite Rocky movie, it’d be Rocky IV. I’ve never seen it but I hear Creed dies in that one & I really hate their music.
College is like a Dora the Explorer episode; your professor asks a question, stares at you and then answers their own question.