My first subtweet was in the 3rd grade when I added extra glitter to Nathan’s Valentine.
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Freak parents out on Facebook by posting, “Just read a health article about how a camera flash causes diabetes in kids under the age of 10.”
Told my kids to get rid of toys they don’t play with, so if you hear a commotion it’s just them desperately playing with every toy they own.
ME: *3D prints a girlfriend* Hey baby
3D Girlfriend: *3D prints a boyfriend* I have a boyfriend
Baltimore’s chief export seems to be artisanal crime narrative.
Genie: you have 2.81 wishes.
Me: i thought it was three?
Genie: taxes.
Used shampoo instead of shower gel and now my body has up to 70% more body.
Finding Nemo 3:
Nemo’s mom isn’t dead.
Nemo’s dad kidnapped Nemo to avoid a custody dispute.
Nemo’s mom finds them.
It’s a revenge tale.
don’t ask me explain this but a golden retriever is like the 1990s in dog form
I heard a landline ring the other day and I legit thought it was a fire alarm
Did we ever get rid of that ozone layer or are we still worried about that
Me: [sees bath water is bright yellow] I thought we ran out of those colored bath tablets.
Son #2: [in bath] We did.
Helen Hunt but only when Helen hungry.
Americans are just Canadians that someone fed after midnight.
God: Another epidemic will be unleashed on them for I am not pleased.
Angel 1: A drought?
Angel 2: A famine?
God: Release the Murder Hornets, right now!
A1: During the plague?
A2: Savage AF.
Homosexuality was still classified as an illness in Sweden in 1979. Swedes protested by calling in sick to work saying they felt gay.
So apparently if someone invites you to dinner at their home, it’s impolite to create a negative Yelp review about it the next day.
The scariest moment in the world is when a 3yo looks at you and says CLOSE YOUR EYES AND OPEN YOUR MOUTH
Boss: It’s Labor Day. Everyone gets the day off to celebrate all the hard work they do during the year.
Me: Is that why I’m-
Boss: That’s why you’re working.
My wife took me to the most amazing 3D movie I had ever seen last night. Half way through it I realized: we were at a play.
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ᴱ*dolphin diving off a cliff*
Woman selling raffle tickets: would you like to enter a drawing?
Guy from A-Ha: i’m not doing that shit again
*birds dress Cinderella for school*
*gets to school, goes into bathroom*
*buncha rabid squirrels gather and re-dress her in goth shit*
Cowboy outfits should be called ranch dressing.
one time in high school I wanted to signal to a friend that I really, really liked him, so I began referring to him as my esteemed colleague
Job Posting: local pond looking to hire tadpole, must have previous experience as frog
Lady, you misunderstood. When I asked if you would have my kids I didn’t mean sex and babies. I meant take the ones I already have.
ME: Table…table doesn’t look great
JESUS: Through me you will have eternal life
ME: ok cool but you SPECIFICALLY said you were a carpenter
As of last night my mom has more Aerosmith tattoos than my sister again. For now anyway.
Just had a marijuanapiphany:
Xbox 360.
360° is a circle.
A circle looks like a zero.
Xbox 360 = Xbox Zero.
What comes after zero?
Xbox One.
Nepal: “just like awkwardly stack two triangles to make our flag”
All the other countries have rectangles
“TWO TRIANGLES”
Alright ok fine