My first thought when meeting new people is often how tiny they are and how security in this maternity ward sucks.
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Hell hath no fury like a toddler who wanted his peanut butter and jelly sandwich cut into triangles until you cut it into triangles
My kids: I love this song! Turn it up!!
Also my kids: immediately start telling me a 17-minute story.
[before horsepower was invented]
car salesman: this baby has the strength of 7000 raccoons
Batman: *puts on glasses* Hey do I still look like Bruce Wayne?
Superman: Um obviously.
Batman: Think about that for a second.
I enjoy romantic scrolls up and down your timeline.
[reptile bar]
SNAKE CHARMER: Well ain’t you a cutie
COBRA *blushing*: tee hee
Me to Copilot: Does “d73H” mean anything to you?
Copilot: Hmm… No. Why?
Me: That nerd down there on the beach seems to think it does.
Me: hold on are you—
roommate who just painted a Bansky on our kitchen wall:
Me:—Bob Ross?
ASSISTANT: so what dimensions do the doors, hinges, walls, and locks need to be so that it all fits?
GUY WHO INVENTED PUBLIC BATHROOM STALLS: can’t stress how unimportant that part is
Me: I don’t have a fear of the unknown.
Also me: *stepping on something wet* OH MY GOD! What is that?! Why is it wet?!
You OK? You’ve barely touched your crocssant!?!
[god creating the beetle]
what if a bee and a turtle had sex
Last year my husband and I both gave each other NyQuil for Christmas. I’m just not sure we are going to be able to top the gift of sleep this year.
Sometimes I overhear a conversation and want to tell one of them to run
[having sex]
HER: talk dirty to me
ME: I’ve been wearing the same underwear for weeks
HER: no, I mean-
ME: I drink my own bath water
Chinese Food: $16.72
Gas to Get to Restaurant: $1.94
Getting Home and Realizing They Forgot One of Your Food Containers: Riceless
Do you ever follow accounts blindly and then find yourself in bad poetry or emu farmer Twitter?
People who call themselves “grammar Nazis” deserve the worst possible sentence.
[meeting at amc network]
“Okay so how can we make everyone in Walking Dead look like they smell even worse this season?”
My office computer just crashed and now all the other computers have slowed down so they can see whats happening.
Why run with scissors when you can run with bananas which are far less dangerous and also tasty snacks.
“Sushi” is Japanese for “take a picture of this, white girls.”
[Being murdered while eating a salad]
Please sir will you stab the spinach out of my teeth don’t let them find me like this
I need a car. Hiding in people’s trunks and hoping they’re going to Wal-Mart isn’t working out for me.
In email they should change “Save As New” to “Ugh, I’ll Deal With That Later.”
Cop: can I see some id
Me: *gives him a napkin* keep the change
Cop: are you high
Me: yes sir
Them: Oh, you only need a few pounds of tannerite 👌🏼
astronaut: houston we have a problem
houston: what is it?
astronaut: my wife left me
houston: we only deal with space problems
astronaut:
houston:
astronaut: my wife left me while I was in space