My first words were, “spank me daddy” because my parents accidentally set up the baby monitors backwards.
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[father & son looking up at the night sky—observing starlight from millions of yrs ago] son, the most important thing in this world is money
Food was bad, cabins were dirty, everyone but me was gruesomely killed. Liked the paddle boats. 1/2 star. -Yelp review of Camp Crystal Lake
Do you know what really makes me smile? Facial muscles.
Just got my first HOA slap on the wrist and now I want to take pictures of everything my neighbors are doing wrong. This is how wars start.
I need to go shopping for a new outfit. Anyone know who sells sizes OMFG and WTF happened?
I don’t understand how a potato can just turn one of its pimples into another potato.
The indescribable pain of having a client read off the options they see under “Settings.”
the ghost that shares the upstairs bathroom with us would like a word
ME: is this the soup of the day
WAITER: it’s an aquarium
ME: ok I’ll have that
Is he dead?
Is he dead?
Is she dead?
Is HE dead?
What about him?
Is SHE dead?
-My kids watching 80s music videos.
My boss said I couldn’t bring my dog into the office so I had to tie him to a tree outside. He’s not happy about it but it’s cool being in the office with my dog.
I just finished cleaning the house for Thanksgiving, so if you’re looking for my family they’ll be in the backyard until Thursday.
Meeting the love of your life on Twitter is a crapshoot, it may go really well or his mom may unplug the Wi-Fi.
My favourite part of the Bible is the hollowed-out section I keep my drugs in.
Be to, or be not to, the question, that is.
– Yoda does Hamlet
If “surf and turf” didn’t rhyme, no restaurant would have the courage to let you order a steak and a lobster together as if it were one meal.
A comprehensive list of the times I will willingly and happily go for a run:
*receives invitation to dry wedding*
*becomes wine smuggler and most popular wedding guest ever*
No self-respecting murderer is going to have the patience to stand there for the twenty or thirty hours it’ll take me to dig my own grave.
[ My unaired House hunters episode ]
Realtor: So what’s your budget?
Me: My budget?
Realtor: And why do you have a rifle carrying case with you?
Me: [zipping case closed and breaking down tripod] I think I misunderstood the title of the show.
When people show up unexpectedly for dinner:
Tonight we have slow boiled hot dog sat upon Dempsters bun with a tomato puree beside carrot sticks and crispy potato patty garnished with strawberry slices
On the highway, getting passed by a minivan is the football equivalent to getting tackled by the kicker.
GOD: Let’s give her ALL the awesome.
“But what if it’s TOO much awesome?”
GOD: Then we’ll divide it evenly between multiple personalities.
To the guy who turned the entire first floor of his house into a giant ball pit – I will find you, and I will marry you
If dolphins are so smart why do they still live in the water
I made garlic mashed potatoes and there isn’t a vampire for miles that is brave enough to come near us.
I never thought you could get your hand stuck in a ukulele
But here we are
AISLE 7
– Chips
– Cookies
– Quackers
CW: can i ask a stupid question
ME: sure u seem qualified
Me: I need a word for food between courses at a meal
Wife: intercourse?
Me: not now Margaret, I’m trying to think