This is probably a controversial take but I think the sanitation worker responsible for garbage collection on Sesame Street should be fired.
You Might Also Like
I hate these new video games that make you talk to other characters. The fact I hate conversations is the reason I’m playing video games.
Outside of a dog, a book is a man’s best friend. Inside of a dog, though, it’s every man for himself
IKEA is the swedish word for “relationship meltdown in a public place.”
An esteemed colleague told me he hard-boils eggs in the morning, uses them as pocket warmers, and then has them as a little mid-morning snack when he gets to work.
Truly, the line between genius and madness is very thin.
I met a girl that told me, “Make me laugh and I’m yours”.
So I pulled down my pants.
Apparently, she didn’t want to laugh that hard. 🙁
I don’t want to be with someone who will finish my sentences. I want to be with someone who will finish the dishes.
Wear a sombrero to the next wedding you’re invited too. Long after they’re divorced they’ll talk about the guy in the sombrero.
If you have to wait a while to get a fast food order, say, “I thought this was FAST food.” The place will never recover from that mega burn
If someone catches me staring I quickly look to my left & right so they think “oh that girl’s not looking at ME she’s looking at EVERYTHING”
I don’t think mall Santas should be allowed to have fake beards. Like come on Man, you’ve got one job!
I’m what the New York Times once referred to as “an acquired taste…like bleach.”
*Logging into Reddit in a wig and fake mustache*
Gentlemen, I think we should really stick it to Wall Street by finding me a girlfriend
Pro Tip : Don’t shout at a mate going through airport security “You are the bomb dude, you are the bomb !!”
my landlord charged a pet fee for the ants in my kitchen. i need $48,000,000 by friday or im evicted. how did he count them they are so fast
SOMEONE PARKED IN MY SPOT AT WORK. THAT’S IT. I’M GOING HOME.
3 month plan:
1. Get a man
2. Plan fancy dinner
3. Check in on Facebook
4. Instagram dinner
5. Make that bitch Kelly jealous of you for once
People say “Home is where the heart is”.
Actually though, the heart is between the lungs in the middle of the chest, behind and slightly to the left of the sternum.
Idiots.
peak technology
“Be the change you want to see in the world. ”
Me: Cool, can I be a 10 and two 5’s?
I asked 4 how school was and she said Mrs Dixon was cross bc Freya ate her cookie before her macaroni cheese so Freya told Mrs Dixon it was hard to look at the cookie sitting there and not eat it and tbh this time Freya has my full support
What you call “Brunch” I call “Breakfast for Alcoholics.”
Son: Facebook is for old people.
Me: That’s not true, pretty much everyone I know is on i- …oh…
I’ve waited and prepared my whole life for an end of the world scenario
[gets killed and eaten in the first 10 minutes]
Bury me next to a kangaroo skeleton and put boxing gloves on me.
JUDGE: i sentence you to life in prison
MY LAWYER WHO IS A HOUSE FLY: nice that’s only like 11 days
Before I get busy doing nothing, I am taking a 20 minute break.
[looking at photo album]
Me: Here’s the story of how daddy met mommy
Son: Why is your hair spiky…
Daughter: …and long in the back?
Just overheard someone say they need an “escape goat” for their project & I can’t decide if they’re a complete idiot or an evil genius.
“Hey, we see that everything you’ve ever watched has been in English, may we suggest something in German?”
-Netflix.
Why do they call it “a crystal meth addiction” and not “methamaddicts?”