My Fitbit is just a wristband that says “keep walking”.
You Might Also Like
The actors are getting so old in the Fast and Furious franchise, the next movie will be them stuck in a grocery store parking lot
Good for you, the 3 people trying to keep MySpace alive. Good. For. You.
oh to be a capybara in an open air bath with an orange on its head
It’s like the police helicopter that’s been circling my neighborhood for an hour doesn’t even care about us unemployed people trying to watch TV.
My smart washer was hacked by the Russians so I couldn’t do laundry today, at least that’s what I’m going to tell her.
I bet Lincoln is looking down like “dude, trust me, that is not a bad night in a theater”
Me: *trying to fill the void with food and booze*
Fellow Astronaut: THAT WAS 12 YEARS WORTH OF SUPPLIES!
the icebreaker
My husband is bringing our puppy to the Farmer’s Market to socialize her. I am staying home and adding vodka to my coffee to socialize me.
Yesterday I wrote an email to a customer named Trish where I apologized profusely, took ownership of our mistakes, and explained we would do anything to correct the situation. I averted disaster two seconds before I sent it when I saw my typo in the first two words, “Dear Trash,”
People say I’m not very responsible, when in fact I’m responsible for “pajama casual” being added to the employee handbook as inappropriate.
Netflix subtitles be like [Speaking Spanish]
bro you gonna translate it or??
Pretty much! 😂👀
jesus christ confetti not now
Who called it a wolf in sheep’s clothing and not a woolf?
It’s like you don’t appreciate this bag of toenails and I can’t deal with this right now.
Bought a standing desk yesterday. Today I bought a bar stool.
waiter: would u like the bill?
me: no I would not
Rain chat:
“Did you hear the rain last night?”
“Yeah it kept me awake”
“Same! What time did you get to sleep?”
“I’m not sure. When did you?”
“About three I think but then it woke me up again”
“Same. I even went downstairs at one point”
“Yeah I should’ve done that”
I know it’s rude to ask someone about their pregnancy if you’re unsure, but my hubby looks about 4 months along & the suspense is killing me
but whales can’t sink a sub
ORCAn they?
Me: Hi! One Big Mac no tomatoes please
Her: Mam this is a library
Me: Oh. Sorry
Now whispering: One Big Mac no tomatoes please
Don’t eat my chocolate. I’ll be back Monday.
Me : Dating is tough. Lots of weirdos out there ..
Me on first Date : so here’s everything I know about the Jonestown massacre.!
Hot pies in your area want you to snatch them off the windowsill
Being an adult on the internet is weird because you’ll see a trending article with a headline like, “Here’s a picture of what money looked like before Venmo!”
Daddy! Tell me a story..
The Tooth Fairy is really a wicked witch, who takes all your teeth if you sleep with your mouth open.
Good night.
I dream of writing a fat woman’s cookbook. I’ll call it, “50 Shades of Gravy.”
I hate killing bugs so instead I spend hours trying to get it in a cup so I can toss it outside after accidentally taking off 3 of its legs.
[me, stacking babies on top of each other]
Him: Wha…What are you doin there?
Me: Oh, you know, just building up the infant structure.