My Fitbit is just a wristband that says “keep walking”.
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Friend: Why isn’t your boyfriend here to help bury this heavy carpet?
Me: ….
my son swallowed our amazon dash button and now im afraid to hug him for fear of ordering another bulk order of goldfish snacks. am i cursed
Please don’t take illegal substances.
Or at least, don’t take MY illegal substances.
I can’t get mad when I hear babies screaming in public because honestly, I feel the same way sometimes.
Anesthesiologists are doctors who don’t like having to talk to people.
My wife told me she was leaving me because I keep pretending to be a Transformer.
I said, “No, wait! I can change.”
I’m sick of my girlfriend’s husband starting shit
You need to let shit go.
~ Buddha
Sometimes I think I’m pretty well-read and other times I see the word “doing” and pronounce it like it rhymes with “boing.”
I want to learn scuba diving but I’m terrified of the orchestral music in underwater documentaries.
My ex has made me dinner..
*gives a bit to the dog first*
Me: hey, I’m looking for an email.
iPhone mail: this one from 2012, unrelated to your search?
Me: no it was last week
iPhone: can’t find it.
My velour track pants say ‘antidisestablishmentarianism’ on one cheek and ‘juicy’ on the other
I wish my husband was as concerned with “preheating” me as he is with the oven…
never trust a person who says they don’t like chocolate, even dogs eat chocolate and it kills them
My daughter just told me that she’s the boss of me, and when I tried to respectfully disagree she said “don’t you dare talk to your boss like that”
8yo: Do we have a fire extinguisher?
Me: Yes.
8yo: Where?
Me:…
8yo: WHERE!
6yo: (from outside) It’s spreading.
Me: I’m up.
*looks at you in batman voice*
Why isn’t Yosemite pronounced like Vegemite?
I will straight up walk into traffic to avoid a kid selling something.
damn girl are you calculus because I have no idea what youre talking about
me: hm what could I add to this bath to relax and forget everything?
my brain: a hairdryer.
If you don’t like the heart I shaved into my chest hair for you…well, then I should probably keep my underwear on.
Husband: *gives me two pancakes*
Me: Hey! These paper plates say they hold up to 2 lbs of food.
Husband: And?
Me: Keep stacking, buddy.
Oops I deleted….
me: *trying to quickly and quietly go to the bathroom at 3am so I stay asleep
my dog: Oh cool, you’re up. What should we do now? Play with a ball? Go for a walk? Breakfast? Do you want to scratch me?
{my first day as an art critic}
this painting tastes like shit
Me: Its a bear! Quick play dead!
*falls down and covers himself with leaves*
Her: We’re in a zoo!!
Gave my 8yo $20 to buy a Hawaiian souvenir so he found a seashell on the beach and spent the money on ice cream.
I undo his overall strap & slide it off a barely perceptible shoulder. I pull his steel work goggle down around his “neck”
“BanaNA” he moans