My fly was down the entire day & I didn’t notice. So I’m taking him out for drinks after work. Hopefully that’ll help cheer him up a bit.
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Dating in your 50’s is great!
Although my husband’s not that keen, tbh
it’s not about the cards you’re dealt, but how you play the hand you’ve got hidden up your sleeve
settle down twitter crush. i didn’t ask your last name to google you. i wanted to see how it sounded with the names i’ve picked for our kids
Learn from your failures. For example, I will never eat Cheetos immediately before a job interview again.
We only cook with fresh, local ingredients so tonight we’re grilling our neighbor’s cat.
The Very Hungry Caterpillar taught me that I can binge eat carbs and then take a two week nap and I’ll become beautiful.
I like to think of brunch as the purest form of anarchy. Want a burger between 2 waffles? Go for it. Scrambled eggs on a brownie? Heck yeah! Toss some onion rings in those Froot Loops, you are ungovernable. For 90 glorious minutes, all rules of polite society have been suspended.
The bank refused to approve my loan without collateral so I reached into my purse and pulled out three avocados.
Him: don’t say anything embarrassing
Me [realizing there are no mozzarella sticks at this party]: I will punch a pregnant woman in the baby
I’ve found that whenever God closes a door, Satan hands me a lockpick.
Apparently my friends have been spreading rumors that I have a gambling problem. I’m not sure who leaked this, but my money’s on Josh.
How much credibility is there in that whole “you can punch yourself handsome” theory?
Asking for a friend.
My fiancee knows that I would kill for her, and it’s really annoying that she hasn’t asked me to yet.
What idiot called it Kenny Loggins describing how he visited Bethlehem to see the Christ child and not “I went to the Manger Zone”?
Merry Christmas everyone
me (no beers): i will never read from the human skin bound book of the dead. i will not chant it’s dark messages.
me (four beers, smiling): hell, lemme see that book of the dead, brother. what’s one rune reading among friends?
“Quark, quark,” said the quantum duck.
I curse you with throw pillows that explode into more throw pillows every time you throw them.
Nothing starts a conversation quite like wearing a tiara in Walmart.
Wait til the people so excited about all-day breakfast at McDonald’s find out they can make breakfast at home whenever they want.
My neighbor mentioned that her husband has baby soft feet, and don’t think I’m not going to bring that up every time I see him from now on.
you heard me, make the middle of my dress look like a slice of pizza
I just went for a morning run on the beach so it’s nice to know that exercise can ruin any setting.
I had to cut my own toenails. This pandemic is bullshit.
My daughter reminded me that being older doesn’t mean I’m always right. Sometimes, I’ve just been wrong for longer.
I’m less popular then mushrooms, because I’m not a fungi
NO THAT IS OBVIOUSLY NOT WHAT I’M LOOKING FOR GOOGLE
[During an interrogation]
Bad cop: That’s not gonna fly
Penguin cop: Seriosly? I’m right here
Fact: if you drop a penny from a skyscraper it can kill someone on the street? It’s true, I’m still glad I went with a bowling ball though
do what now??
I’m unpredictable. Like a dad on a field trip.