My fortune cookie reads “I peed in your fried rice” and it’s hand written…
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FRIEND: so how are you?
ME: I’m well, thanks!
FRIEND: what’s new?
ME: not much!
FRIEND: well, what have you been up to?
ME: why are you doing this to me
“Insomnia sure is frustrating” he said wide-awakely.
someone please explain to my neighbour I wasn’t “fighting a box,” I was doing the recycling
*crawls back up a waterslide for 2 hours* did you say “go dudette” or “no not yet”
No officer, Vodka and I were hanging out and this car decided to join us.
Sometimes I’ll sign a wedding guestbook with something inspirational:
“1 out of 5 stars: would not recommend”
Date: You seem close to your mom
Me: I am
Mom: It is a small table for 3
“Good parenting isn’t giving your kid everything she needs, but rather it is giving her the tools to enable her to obtain those things for herself” I reflect as I apply the finishing touches to my 5 year old‘s flamethrower.
I farted in the Apple Store on Black Friday and everyone got angry at me…
It’s not my fault they don’t have Windows.*I’ll show myself out*
Sex in the snow is wintercourse.
Me: if it’s a boy let’s call him Barry
Her: ok
Waiter: good evening
Me: good evening Barry
justin timberlake: lose the “the.” just “facebook.” it’s cleaner
mark zuckerberg: wow. yeah
me: [bought the domain name “ back in 1997 and have been looking for my opening ever seen]: or what if we called it yogurt dot com
Just heard a lady tell a 4yo to “get it together!” I’m not sure she knows how 4yos work.
Ok, so there’s “senior’s parking,” and “expectant mothers parking” at the grocery store.
Where is the parking for “Undermedicated, on a short fuse and probably shouldn’t be out in public?”
Texts delivered by Bluetooth right to your wrist? Not on my watch.
Waiter: Would you like regular or decaf?
Me: Do you want me to tip you with real money or Monopoly money?
My first crush was a cartoon lion and I often wonder how he’s doing today
I hate it when I gain 10 pounds for a role and then realize I’m not even an actor.
What kind of dessert do ghosts always come back for??
A Boo Meringue
Me: What’s strange today may be normal tomorrow.
Home Depot employee: Sir, stop varnishing your body.
[two atoms side-to-side on a DNA chain]
“Hi.”
“Hi. U look familiar. Were u on A3564β before it went supernova?”
“Yes.”
“U still owe me $20.”
Screw hybrid cars! We should all be driving buses! No clue what their fuel consumption is but I know I’ve never seen a bus at a gas station.
God: U have to build an ark to save the animals from a tsunami
Noah: But you’re god, can’t you just stop the tsunami
God: *loves boats* No
Why would I want guest towels? That’s like an invitation.
I’d like to learn a second language. I’ve narrowed it down to either Spanish or Canadian.
Having a teenager is fun because the voice in my head that questions everything I do now has a friend
My boss calls me “The computer”
Not because of my calculation skills but because I go to sleep when left unattended for 15 minutes.
wife: what’s the house of your dreams?
me: fireplace in each room. and there’s a bear walking around and it only speaks spanish. also the floor is quicksand.
wife:
me:
wife:
me: oh you mean like a house i wish we lived in.
Recycling in 2019: I’m not an alcoholic haha I just had a party
Recycling in 2020: omg I swear I didn’t have a party I’m just an alcoholic