@jumpdashark: My friend called me from a private number last night so I just returned the favor by knocking on his door with a ski mask on.
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@KentWGraham: I saved a ton of money on cool sports cars, vacation getaways and NFL season tickets by having children.
@thetigersez: Finding a guy to marry who is rich enough to pay off my debt, but not so rich he wants a prenup is, like, so much harder than I anticipated.
@BuckyIsotope: OLD MAN: I fought in WWII ME: Oh yeah? What was your kill:death ratio OLD MAN: what ME: Can you rocket jump? OLD MAN: I wish Hitler had won