My friend called me from a private number last night so I just returned the favor by knocking on his door with a ski mask on.
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Me: Jesus. Get the kids inside
Wife: What’s wron-
Me: *running* JUST GET THE DAMN KIDS INSIDE
[a bee flies off of the lens of my binoculars]
[to the tune of feliz navidad]
police are the cops
Me: You just sat on my glasses.
Husband: *Stands up* What?
Me: While you’re up, can you grab some popcorn?
Falls for it every time.
me: you look thinner
friend: yeah my job at the deli keeps me active. guess what I weigh
me: meat
friend: what
me: what
Who called it an allergist and not an antisneeziologist?
Hey people that twitter says are “similar to me”, where do people like us put our car keys?!?!?!
Drive Thru Clerk: Wow, you smell good. What are you wearing?
Me: [hiding fries from the other drive thru] You wouldn’t know, it’s french.
There’s nothing I’ve learned from being a father that I couldn’t just as easily have figured out from setting all my money on fire.
I just said “bye – bye” when I ended a phone call, and now I’m debating on if I should have my milk & cookies before or after recess.
Bummed my show about teenage girls working for their high school newspaper didn’t get an Emmy nomination. Better luck next year, ‘Cuntrags’.
Sub the word ‘hostage’ for the word ‘parent’ at your child’s next activity to spice up the conversations with all the other hostages.
Whenever I say bad words like ‘diet’, I wash my mouth out with doughnuts.
Got a new stove today and then ordered a pizza because I don’t want to ruin it by getting it dirty or anything.
Come over for dinner. I’m making a big deal out of nothing.
I’ll never understand why we aren’t buried in our final resting place wearing pajamas.
Anyone else having a near life experience today?
I had a crazy dream that I weighed less than a thousandth of a gram. I was, like, 0mg!
WIFE: can you put the baby to sleep
ME: *trying to get the baby in a chokehold* his head’s too small it’s not working
“Do you want to hear a really good Batman impression?”
“Go on then”
“NOT THE KRYPTONITE!”
“That’s Superman”
“Thanks, I’ve been practicing.”
Amy Winehouse’s final album was “recorded before her death.” Thanks for the clarification.
If you say “NO YOURE UNDER ARREST” the cop legally has to get in the back of your car.
My kid’s preschool has us practicing Christmas program songs in September so if you see me in October walking around looking like a hot mess mumbling Christmas lyrics just hand me alcohol or put me out of my misery
I miss when flirting was just wearing a candy necklace around my neck and asking if he wanted a bite
Hip-Hop & Dancing go hand & hand for my generation.
In my culture, yawning and rolling my eyes during a Zoom meeting is a sign of respect.
[first date w/ someone who works on an online support chat window]
me: [pulls away from passionate kiss goodnight] this was fun, let’s do i it again sometime…
her: definitely
me: [turns to walk away]
her: thanks for chatting. is there anything else I can help you with today?
Friend: Man he drinks like a fish.
Me: [crouched in a tiny pirate castle with a 12 pack] I’m freaking the hell out.
Changed my outgoing voicemail message to “You have reached the government.”
In a room full of idiots screaming their opinions at the top of their lungs, be the guy in the corner doing finger guns with his reflection.
Sleep patterns are fascinating. There’s light sleep, where your heart rate slows; deep sleep, where you can’t easily be wakened; and REM sleep, where you lose your religion.